Johnny Depp and Amber Heard trial makes you realize men are victims of abuse too

It’s not an easy thing for men to do, in this environment when we are so often the aggressors, but men also need to come to terms with this truism: we, too, are victims of abuse.

This was brought home to me again as I saw superstar Johnny Depp testifying about instances of abuse at the hands of his former partner.

Whatever the outcome of his defamation case, the fact remains that theirs was a toxic relationship, and on many occasions, Depp was a victim.

Also Read: Johnny Depp rejects ‘disturbing’ abuse charges brought by ex-wife Amber Heard

He may also have been a perpetrator, but that would simply confirm his role as a link in the chain of abuse that holds our society captive.

So many institutions are built upon foundations of abuse – sometimes centuries deep.

Many of us have lived it.

At school, at universities, sports clubs, gaming societies, workplaces and good old drinking establishments, music subcultures, pubs, clubs and dive bars too.

Governments. Political systems! So many of these things are predicated on a culture of toxic masculinity.

On one level it exploits and abuses women. On another, it does the same to men.

The women are often marginalised, subjugated or treated as prey – an utterly depraved value system.

The men are indoctrinated to internalise the same values, and encouraged to demonstrate similar depravity to their seniors, in the hope that they might win the approval of the old hands and rise the ranks of that culture, to where they might one day oversee the abuse and exploitation of a new cohort of men and women.

“Cowboys don’t cry”, “That oke’s a legend”, “Take no prisoners”, “Only the strong survive”, “Respect!”… there are many catchphrases used to encapsulate the ethos of institutionalised abuse.

There is a certain romance to them sometimes, “Dulce et decorum est, pro patria mori” was the ancient equivalent, encapsulated ironically by Wilfred Owen: It is good and proper to die for your country.

All of these epigrams and attitudes, couched as they are in the language of war, are fundamentally toxic. They are also not exclusive to men either.

Women internalise the values of violence, inhumanity, exploitation and abuse.

No wonder, because sometimes that is the only way to get ahead.

This supremacy of violence is the way of fascism. The subjugation of the weak by the strong.

These are the values that have ensured the rich rule over the poor. White people subjugate black people. Men oppress women.

The able-bodied marginalise the disabled. The well-fed crush the hungry. The powerful succeed at the expense of the powerless.

Even romantic relationships, ostensibly founded on love and trust, can become a zero-sum game.

Particularly when one party opens themselves up and shows their vulnerability, they are at risk of abuse and domination by their partner.

If you go in for a hug, and the other party sees a gap for a roundhouse face slap, you’re a sitting duck.

Fundamentally, when one person is working to succeed together, and the other wants to overcome the other and dominate… then that’s what’s going to happen.

A society is a relationship of a special type.

The communities we build are complex partnerships prone to the same tendency to rule by strength and violence.

Also Read: People urged to join government in fight against GBVF

Progress happens when we do not succumb to this.

When we resist the urge to abuse any position of strength that we are lucky to have and proceed with empathy and humanity.

That way, we get to unlock the respective abilities and advantages that each of us has, talents that are not pure strength and violence.

The gift of insight. Kindness. Healing. Compassion. Charity. Generosity. These do not emerge from a place of violent domination.

But these are the gifts of nurturing, which help a relationship, a family, and a community to grow.

At a time of violence, it is easy to forget this. But once the defamation lawsuits have been settled.

Once wars have ended, oppressors punished and removed from power, those are precisely the gifts we will need.