Does helping a GBV victim make me ‘nosey’?

Picture the scene: it is 7pm on a Monday and you are about to sit around the table for family dinner.

Your neighbour’s teenage daughter suddenly barges in without knocking – crying hysterically and uncontrollably.

After you calm her down, she tells you her stepfather is assaulting her mother in their bedroom, begging for help.

Without wasting time, you and your sons quickly move into their house to find out what is happening. A burly man comes out fuming, saying: “I pay for everything in this house. It makes me go mad when I find her checking on my phone.”

After trying to convince him to treat family matters maturely, without assaulting his partner, he storms out “to cool off”.

When asked whether she requires any assistance – a family counselling session with a psychologist, obtaining a restraining order or involving the police – the woman’s answer leaves me baffled: “How did you hear about what was happening in my house? Was there noise? My daughter likes to create drama out of nothing.”

This unexpected response from the victim of gender-based violence (GBV) leaves me speechless. I immediately back off in case I am branded a nosey neighbour. The incident is just one of many taking place globally daily.

Women who are financially dependent on male spouses are willing to endure years of physical attacks that others do not know about. According to GBV expert Ana Gotter, battered woman syndrome can be the result of long-term domestic abuse.

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She said: “People living with battered woman syndrome may feel helpless. This can cause them to wrongly believe they deserve the abuse and that they can’t get away from it. In many cases, this is why people don’t report their abuse to police or loved ones.”

There are four stages: denial, guilt, enlightenment and responsibility.

“Being in denial means being unable to accept being abused or justifying it as being ‘just that once’. Guilt is when the person believes in having caused the abuse.

“The enlightenment stage phase is when the person realises she didn’t deserve the abuse and acknowledges her partner has an abusive personality.

“The responsibility stage is when the person accepts that only the abuser holds responsibility for the abuse. In many cases, this is when they’ll explore their options for leaving the relationship,” said Gotter.

Similar to what my neighbour is going through, Gotter said people become trapped in abusive relationships for reasons which can include financial dependence; wanting to have a complete family unit for the children’s sake;
fear of leaving; disbelief or denial that the partner is abusive and severe depression or low selfesteem due to thinking the abuse is the victim’s fault.

Gotter added: “As a person becomes trapped in the cycle of abuse, battered woman syndrome can develop. This syndrome makes it difficult for people to regain control of their lives.”

My biggest fear in dealing with a neighbour with battered woman syndrome is what steps I will take when her daughter comes crying to our house because stepdad has done it again.

I am wary of making an intervention that may backfire badly.