I’ll keep my name to myself

When it comes to vanity, I must admit I did get my fair share. I suppose that’s one of the reasons I’ve always bargained on eventually having something important named after me.

Problem is, I just haven’t quite figured out what exactly I would like to carry my name. Unlike the American comedian John Oliver, I am not at all keen to see my name proudly displayed on a sewage plant. But that’s exactly what Oliver is in for after his tongue-in-cheek battle with the city of Danbury, Connecticut, in the US.

The City Council voted 18-1 to rename their sewage plant after the comedian after he included what has been described as an “expletive-filled rant” against the city on one of his shows, Last Week Tonight with John Oliver. The little spat between Oliver and the good townsfolk is an ongoing saga – all in good spirits – with Oliver even offering to donate almost R1 million to local charities if the city actually followed through with the renaming.

The mayor added he will offer tours of the plant for R8,000 donations to local food pantries. Oliver is obviously more than willing to take a bit of crap while raising much-needed funds for the community, but the “Danie Toerien Memorial Sewer Plant” just doesn’t float for me.

I also don’t want a street. The first month or three would be okay I guess, but once the first potholes appear and the weed-invasion of the pavement is successful, I really don’t want to be associated with dilapidation. I will also haunt the first person to spit on my street.

Airports are also way too impersonal. For most people, they resemble places of torture, waiting what feels like an eternity for connecting flights and being violated in the name of security. Before anybody gets any ideas, I also don’t want some great grandchild or other twice-removed relative to be burdened with my name.

In fact, I think I may have just changed my own mind. I’ll quite happily carry my own name alone and take it with me to my grave. After all, I can’t take anything else.

Danie Toerien.

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