If government organised Valentine’s Day…

Friday is Valentine’s Day. Those of you going: “No sherbet, Sherlock” are probably all women.

As for the men? Now you know. So, start ordering flowers, make dinner reservations, buy plane tickets to Paris – just do whatever you need to do to keep the woman in your life happy.

Because no matter how “commercial” Valentine’s Day has become, it’s a big deal for women.

It is, after all, the most important day us men are expected to show our love to our true love.

And if you get it wrong, you can only blame yourself. Valentine’s Day is not a government initiative.

Imagine if it was.

For starters, there probably wouldn’t be red roses. No, the department of agriculture wouldn’t waste a single hectare on growing flowers, especially not of the colonial variety.

Red cabbage would be declared the official Valentine’s Day plant, with the government buying them through tender at highly inflated prices from approved vendors.

The department of social development will then hand them out with the social grants.

Of course, the department of public works will argue it will be much cheaper to build a cabbage farm next to Nkandla than to transport all the cabbages needed for Valentine’s Day.

And which woman wouldn’t prefer a red cabbage over a rose anyway?

Being a government project, there obviously won’t be enough red cabbages to go around. But not to worry, the minister of public enterprises will task the CEO of the cabbage farms to implement cabbage shedding. All those women born in even-numbered years will get their cabbages this year, followed by the uneven numbered the next year.

Despite not producing the required amount of cabbages, the cabbage farms will need a R5 billion bailout, which the department of finance will duly provide – as it should.

Be honest, no country that wants to be taken seriously can be without a national cabbage farm.

So, gentlemen, if by Friday you are still without a gift, you know what to get. Be one step ahead, because nothing says “I love you” more than a red cabbage.

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