Hey Google, you get it so wrong

Get your algorithms right, Google. Maybe you should spell it algorythms and get rhythmic hip-swinging me, because you’re wrong.

Yes. I was 66 earlier this month but I need neither a single senior cruise, mobility scooter or incontinence panties. Well… let’s just say you’re a bit late with that last item of lingerie. Those I needed during every pregnancy when I coughed and since I was 39 after three kids because I laugh, still – uncontrollably.

A lot. But you get it so wrong, Google – and I hope not only for us women who, according to you, need 15 minutes a day tightening our secret muscles on a chair, but also for those poor men who are hoping to meet their “pen pal” and spraying those bald spots we’ll see eventually in any case.

“Pen pal”? Really? How ancient do you think we are? Would it surprise you that we’ve been on dating websites – even paid for it – and can wear the T-shirt? Unlike Sex in the City we don’t meet up with friends discussing the “Have you met? Dated?

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How was it? Give him another try.” We’re more of the “bloody hell, the Bokke, hey” kinda people and move on to wallow in all the stuff your Rhythm’s Algae does not explore: “So how’s the office bitch?” “Did you ever sort your electricity account out?”

“Isn’t Trump just the biggest asshole?” “Did you apply for that online link I sent you? Why not?” Because we know what you don’t know: life happens and we just deal. We want more, but not what you offer. So let me put you straight, Google: Build an algorythm about what every woman must have: a “Ta-Da coat”.

Yes, Google, I was shocked when I tried on a long, beige trench coat and the sales lady walked past, fluttered her false eyelashes, ripped the lapels apart and said the exact algorythm: “Every woman needs a Ta-Da coat.”

Yeah, your algorithm tells you a naked man in a raincoat flashing you. My algorythm is just plain TaDa. Yes, we will flash you. But with style. Because we add boots.

High heels; the colour of the coat – and belt up the trench coat. And I promise you, Google, when we release that belt, incontinence panties will not be in sight…

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