Hey, gays – It’s becoming really difficult to be an ally

Let’s get something straight: Some of my best friends are gay. And now that I have given my impeccable credentials…

I cannot imagine myself being anything other than an ally. Sure, I may have some work to do in seeking out any remnants of historical homophobia. On the whole though, I’m down with the queers. I have been and, in some ways, actively did things to offer support, as I’m sure many straights tend to do.

I’ve just noticed it getting more difficult of late, which is troubling because the gay community is still under threat in many respects and could do with as many allies as possible.

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So, upon reflection, I’ve been thinking why it feels like it’s taking more energy to be an ally over the last while. Is it because a gay subordinate dismissed my opinion as being “such a straight thing to say”? 

Perhaps it’s the constant re-education I need to adapt to because of societal changes. Maybe it’s my increasing fear of asking questions lest I get labelled, reach expiry, and thrown into the cancelled bin?

Sitting at the Smuts Memorial in Irene yesterday, contemplating holism, I thought that surely, I’m too thick skinned to let any of that bother me. I mean, hey at least I’m trying, and that’s when it hit me harder than a drag queen avenging a 6/10 karaoke score.

It’s not that I’m angry about having my apparently overtly straight opinion dismissed. It’s that seemingly, unless I’m a queer encyclopaedia of just the right views and expressed opinions, I’m going to be classed in this pool of haters.

I’m trying. Whether I’m trying hard enough, you can decide but I need to not be treated as though I’m not trying at all. This is not a binary thing.

As much as I will always continue to be an ally, I would love it if it could once again be less difficult.

No, we allies won’t always get it right. Sometimes we may get it harmfully wrong. Sometimes we’ll do things that may hurt.

That doesn’t necessarily mean that we wanted it to be that way. We all just, sometimes, get things wrong, and that’s not just a straight thing.

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There are differences we are not aware of but historically, it felt safer to ask, talk, discuss. Those differences haven’t gone away and I’m not going to reduce my understanding of an entire community to what I can elicit from 13 seasons of Drag Race (I know there are 14, but season 7 doesn’t count because Katya should have won).

I also know that joke will bomb because not all gays are into drag. Sigh…

And I know that drag is not just for gays. Any more qualifiers I need to add?

It’s getting really difficult and I know you don’t owe me anything. You don’t owe me an easier path to being an ally. You don’t owe me an ally certification.

I could say I don’t owe any allegiance either, but that sort of pettiness isn’t going to make the world a better place.

I don’t want to end my allegiance. I don’t think many straights do. I’m also not going to beg you to make being an ally any easier and it’s going to take a lot more before I take my alliance energies and focus them on something else that may be more appreciated.

What I do want, is for you to realise that even allies can mess up and that it can be difficult when your allegiance is thrown in your face.

Maybe it results in something, maybe it doesn’t and either way, that’s okay.

Just think about letting us faulty straights have some room to make an error or two while we’re trying to navigate waters we haven’t completely charted.

Man, that was a really straight thing to say.

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