Here’s our long wish list for SA, dear Santa

Dear Santa Claus:

We know this is not the normal way to communicate with you but the SA Post Office, well … let’s just say: not quite up to it. It’s also certain that you’ll get to see this because, as a man of education and discernment, The Citizen is top of your daily reading agenda – even way up there in the North Pole.

Firstly, thanks for agreeing to take us off your “no-fly” list – as we hear some of your elves suggested, because we have the mutant variation of Covid-19 spreading like wildfire among us. You’ll be safe because US Surgeon-General Anthony Fauci told kids this week that you were one of the first to get the Covid-19 vaccine.

While it is certain that the skies over South Africa tonight won’t be that crowded – because our air traffic hasn’t yet recovered from the shock of Covid-19 lockdowns – we would suggest that perhaps you avoid OR Tambo International Airport on your trip here. That’s not because the airport is bad (it’s still good from an aviation perspective) but any kids being brought to see you by their parents will get either lost in the new drop-off-and-collect rules … or their trip will be ruined because of the rip-off parking charges.

Another word of warning: if you are bringing Rudolf the Red-Nosed Reindeer to guide your sleigh tonight, watch out for Mbaks’ safety road blocks around the country. The cops won’t believe Rudolf’s nose is not caused by booze so, rather than have him locked up, bring some extra “cool drink” with you. (In SA, cool drink doesn’t mean Coke or Fanta – it means a bribe. Sorry, but that is how this country rolls.)

As an aside, many will call you a myth or a fantasy – but many of us in South Africa love to believe in fanciful dreams … like Thuma Mina and an end to corruption.

It’s been a tough year for us here on the southern tip of Africa, Santa. Covid’s second wave is worse than the first and, added to that, our economy was already being mismanaged into the gutter by our ANC government. On top of that, though, the populist stokers of racial fires were very busy in 2020, helping to further widen the rifts between our peoples.

So, please don’t give any kids cellphones, laptops or tablets – the poison of hate and fake news spread over the internet and social media has infected many more people than Covid-19.

Some of those kids – millions of them, in fact, Santa, would be happy with something simple. Like a flushing toilet at their school. Or food. And clothes.

Quite how you would solve one of the biggest problems affecting our kids, we don’t know Santa. Even more millions than have to use pit latrines don’t see their fathers, or don’t know their fathers. Sometimes, when their fathers are there, they beat them – or their mothers.

If you could bring a vaccine to inoculate the men of this country against abusing women and children, while at the same time boosting their responsibility system, that would make a big difference.

Most of all, cheesy as it may seem, could you possibly dole out 59 million parcels of empathy, respect and caring to all of us? Possibly, if we’re lucky, we can grow those into real peace, and love.

Wishing you a good, safe flight.

Remember: wear a mask (even over your beard), social distance (don’t shout “ho, ho, ho” anywhere near large groups) and sanitise …

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