Here are some bollocks election promises you can really believe in

My Fellow South Africans, there comes a time in the life of persons when they can no longer stand aside and merely cry at the beloved country, they must answer the call and dry the nation’s tears … I know I am mature (but a spring chicken compared to Jacob Zuma), my hair is a distant memory, like honesty in government, and I am pink.

My only experience in politics has been laughing at those who practise it. Who cares? Introducing: Brendan’s Outstanding Long Lasting Omniscient Creative Kinetic Scheme (or Bollocks)!

Bollocks promises:

• Free red wine for all who qualify (and PDDs – Previously Disadvantaged Drinkers who grew flatulent on Castle)
• Free DStv for all – with no repeats and no adverts on The Comedy Channel.
• The immediate establishment of embassies in a) The Antarctic, b) the Sahara Desert and c) Siberia. Ambassadors will be Cyril Ramaphosa, Julius Malema and Mmusi Maimane, respectively.
• The immediate dispatch of our Roaming Ambassador, Angelo Agrizzi, to London (via the secret vault in Zurich, with his little black book and large brown bags) to sort out Brexit. They can’t do it themselves and there is nothing that a little old-fashioned South Africa financial ingenuity can’t fix. You’re welcome, Theresa …
• This will be done as the advance wave of our land restitution campaign in the UK, where all South Africans of Irish, Welsh and Scots extraction will demand the return of the land stolen from them by the English. We will accept a one trillion pound settlement or the renaming of London to Jawellnofine-ville.
• Nkandla will be turned into a State Capture theme park, complete with slides into the Chad Le Close Memorial Fire Pool. Entrance will be free and there will be 10am, 2pm and 6pm tours of the cattle kraal, conducted by Duduzane Zuma.
• Twitter will be banned, as will the words “Influencer” and “Millennial”.
• Taxi drivers will be sent to re-education camps in North Korea and Elon Musk will be invited to build an autonomous car system across the country.
• Bafana will be replaced – for good – with Banyana Banyana. If the other African teams try to boycott us because our footballers are suddenly playing a decent game, we will take them to Fifa and charge them with sexism.
• The SA Football Association will be replaced by … nothing. No one will notice. Trust me on that.
• Cape Town’s DA whiteys will be surgically excised and sent to Australia, where most of them are headed anyway. And then, at last, they won’t have to tell everyone that their best friends are black, really …
• Limpopo will be given to Zimbabwe. Harare might consider that an act of war, but they haven’t got fuel, so how they gonna fight us?
• Wednesdays will be removed and slotted in between Saturdays and Sundays. No one works in the week anyway, so how’s a three-day weekend going to hurt?
• I will be your president and Trevor Noah will be the Minister of Everything Else. Can’t be any worse. The best news, my friends, is our slogan. It’s simple and easy to use.

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