Hang on a minute, No. 1 …

Minutes of meeting of the Directorate Priority Crimes, Tshwane, Friday, 3 November

1. Welcome and Thanks

The chairperson, Comrade Top Hawk*, thanked all for being present. He also thanked Comrade Single Malt for arranging the refreshments. The chairperson noted he was disappointed at the downgrade from Blue to Black Label, but Comrade Single Malt responded that times were tight in the various businesses which support them.

2. Mirrors in the meeting room

The chairperson recorded his thanks for the full-length mirrors placed in the meeting room by the uniform co-ordinator, Comrade Giorgio Armani, so operatives could now check that their office attire was correct.

He said a good example to follow was that of Comrade Malusi Gigaba. He noted that Breitling had been removed from the list of approved watches, because surveillance had shown Julius Malema was still wearing one.

3. Operational uniform

Comrade Armani said a deal had been concluded with Tommy Hilfiger to supply top class chinos in colours to match the bullet-proof vests issued to operatives. Comrade Male Model displayed the new uniform to the meeting, including the exclusive sunglasses obtained from Prada. It was recorded that his bum looked particularly good in the skinny-fit suit.

4. Operational vehicles

There was a discussion about whether the unit should continue to use VW Golf Rs or change to BMW M3s. Comrade Valve Bounce, the transport co-ordinator, said the BMWs were more expensive, which made them the logical choice.

5. Priority crimes

It was agreed that farm murders were not a priority. Comrade Filing System, information technology manager, was tasked to gather all those dockets and place them together with the ones on State Capture in the basement next to the leaking pipe from the upstairs toilet.

6. Jacques Pauw

There was a discussion about how to pronounce the name of this Enemy of the State. It was agreed that his surname was a codename and, therefore, a clear indication that he was a Running Dog of Imperialism.

7. President’s Instructions

The meeting watched a video of Comrade Number One’s glorious performance at question time in Parliament. It was noted that he said investigations into corruption would now go far back in history, to show it’s not an ANC problem.

This meant it would be a long time before the State Capture files would be opened. Comrade Historical Inaccuracy asked where.

The chairperson was clear: The bribe offered to Eve in the Garden of Eden was clearly the Original Sin. Comrade Top Hawk directed that the probe begin immediately, even if the witnesses were hard to trace.

He also ordered Comrade Forensic Scientist to recover the apple. The meeting closed and Comrades went to attend to matters of tailoring.

*Code names have been used for all those present because we do not want to appear in another of Jacques Pauw’s books.

Citizen acting deputy editor Brendan Seery.

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