Gross habits drive me up the wall

If there’s one thing that has me chomping at the bit it’s a mouth chewing crisps or peanuts in the close proximity of my ear. The sounds trigger visions of me grabbing the throat of the chewer with my bare hands and applying pressure until he or she spits out the offending crunchies.

Another habit getting to me is diners, after chowing spare ribs, pick their teeth with a fork without hiding the disgusting exercise with a free hand. They then spit out the marinated flotsam into the air, without once thinking they’ll fly into the faces of nearby diners.

Then there are the cellphone hogs in public places. “Sorry darling, I didn’t mean to be nasty with your mom. But you must agree, she was out of line calling me a chauvinistic pig. What’s that? What do you mean I am a chauvinistic pig?” And so it carries on until you’re tempted to join in the discussion and agree with the wife and mother-in-law. Or grab his phone and trample it.

And the sniffers during flights who don’t use tissues. It’s enough to make you honk.

How about radio jocks who, when taking calls from listeners, insist on asking, “How are you?” umpteen dozen times. What answer do they expect? “Terrible thanks”? Or, “I’m a little constipated, but otherwise okay.”?

And automated phone systems. “Thanks for phoning. But due to an unprecedented number of callers there is a slight delay in answering your call. You are number 410 in the queue. But please be patient, your query will be processed”. This is followed by a monotonous tune.

My Heidi says she read somewhere that irritability is a feeling of agitation. Then you become frustrated or upset easily. Evidently it is in response to stressful situations.

It may also be a symptom of a mental or physical health condition.

Let me tell you, I don’t have a physical health condition. I don’t sniff. I’m not constipated. Okay, I have a disintegrating lower back, but I’ll live.

But agreed, it’s a mental condition. But that’s my point – it’s caused by chewers, tooth pickers, sniffers, radio jocks and automated phone systems.

Take those out of the equation and I’ll be a perfect specimen.

“Chauvinist,” Heidi mutters.

Cliff Buchler.