Going bananas over pizza

My teenage stepson will eat anything that doesn’t move. And if it moves, he will kick it until it doesn’t move and then eat it. But, as many teenagers influenced by YouTube, he draws the line at so-called Hawaiian pizza.

“Why do you despise pineapple pizza?” I asked him this week. “It’s gross,” he said. “Fruit doesn’t belong on pizza.” “Ah,” I replied. “But I’ve seen you eat pizza with tomato. Tomatoes are fruit.” “But pineapple is not Italian fruit,” he answered. “Pizza should only have Italian ingredients.” “Tomatoes are South American,” I reminded him. “Not Italian. Like many of the ingredients you like on pizza.”

And then I listed them: “Pepperoni. That’s American. Garlic is Persian. Chicken is not a traditional Italian pizza ingredient. Even the base is Jewish. If you only want Italian ingredients, you’ll be left with a handful of olives and a puddle of olive oil.” “But pineapple on ham! Gross!”

This made me scratch my head. “I’ll leave you with two words: glazed ham…”

Three years ago, the debate caused a minor international brouhaha when the popular Icelandic president, Gudni Johannesson, said he would make a law banning pineapple on pizza if he could. This upset the Canadians, because the Hawaiian pizza is a Canadian creation.

“I stand behind this delicious southwestern Ontario creation,” president Justin Trudeau reacted. Johannesson had to backtrack. Nobody’s pizza consumer rights are in jeopardy, he clarified. He doesn’t have the power to make such a law and doesn’t want to live in a country where the president forbids you to eat certain foods. Neither do I.

I will not be surprised if NDZ, our dear aunty with the doek, is considering such a ban after ciggies are legal again. With the support of Bheki Cele and his thick blue line, of course. But this weekend we all still have the freedom to order the pizza we want.

Mine will be a Napolitana, but I will eat in silence, honouring our hard-won liberty to consume a pizza with fruit on it if we so desire. Well, maybe not any fruit. That would be bananas!

Dirk Lotriet.

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