God wants our leaders to live large

A cloud of the best Cuban cigar smoke whirled around his silver hair as Brother Jesse took a slug of some fine (Hallelujah, brothers and sisters!) Tennessee whiskey and paged through the glossy catalogue from Dassault Aviation, highlighting the virtues of their $54 million Falcon 7X intercontinental executive jet.

There was a knock on the exquisite maple doors to his suite (After all, if the Lord had wanted him to work in pokey offices, he would have made him a journalist).

An assistant poked his head meekly (hoping that in so doing he would inherit the Earth one day) through the slightly open doors.

“I thought I told you I wasn’t to be disturbed when I’m doing God’s work!” Brother Jesse boomed in his best Loosy-anna accent.

“I just wanted to tell you the new high-capacity money counting machines have arrived. The others just couldn’t cope … especially after you asked all the Faithful to send money so you could buy the Falcon to continue God’s work…”

Brother Jesse was out of his chair in a flash.

“It cannot be wrong to covet thy neighbour’s money counting machine … and when I saw this beauty I knew I had to have it!”

He ran his hands lovingly over the machine, much as he did with the Sisters who came regularly for spiritual guidance and comfort.

“The other day, when I was talking to God on the old Falcon, he said to me that I needed a better plane to do His work.”

He paced to the window and looked out at the carpark, where his Mercedes-Benz S65 AMG was being polished by a team of three volunteers.

“These Commie Pinko, Godless journalists just don’t understand that. Our famous inspiration, Brother Oral Roberts, he understood that you can’t fly scheduled airlines when you’re on a mission from God. Those things are just metal tubes full of demons! That’s what he used to say…

“Why don’t people understand that you can’t do a job properly unless you are able to travel quickly. And unless you are comfortable. We all know comfort only comes with quality and the finest designer brands. Can’t they get that?”

Another assistant arrived with a printed report in his hand.

“Sir, there are people out there who get it. They understand you didn’t join the Mission to be poor!”

Brother Jesse paused and took a long drag on his Havana.

“Who is this enlightened person?”

“In South Africa, sir, there is a man called Fikile Mbalula. He used to be the minister of sport and then minister of police and now the ruling ANC party uses him as its Head of Elections.”

The assistant continued: “Like many in the ANC, he didn’t join the Struggle to be poor. And he doesn’t care what the media thinks. So he flies to Vegas to watch boxing, takes selfies with big stars and now, best of all, he is on tour in Russia to watch the Football World Cup! And he’s doing it in style too – expensive watch, limo rides, VVIP tickets and his latest selfie on social media looks like it was taken in a Falcon 7X, judging from the big leather seats and gold ashtrays…”

Brother Jesse beamed.

“You see! God wants leaders to live Large and in Charge! What do the voters say?”

“Well, sir, they’re pretty much like your Faithful. Apparently, they like their politicians to look wealthy. “And … they continue to vote the ANC in as the government.”

Brendan Seery.