Getting all Trumped up amid the circus of inauguration

Dear Donald Trump, leader of the free world, master of the universe, commander of every living creature that moveth in the waters and creepeth upon the earth.

Congratulations, mazel tov and mabrouk. Monday was a day that will not be forgotten when the history of the world is written. I hope I’m not commissioned to write this history since I celebrated a bit too enthusiastically and can only recall fragments of your inauguration.

Actually, I might have peaked a tad early when I started watching your Victory Rally on Sunday with my friend Ted, a Kamala Harris supporter who quickly came around to my way of thinking when I threatened to cut off his alcohol and oxygen supply.

It was a good moment for you to trot out Elon Musk, our most popular export next to Cabernet Sauvignon. It was also a smart move instructing him to come across as a gibbering idiot so as to make you look more coherent and sane.

He pulled it off superbly, not even flinching when you thanked him for, er, taking a close interest in the vote-counting computers”, which helped you win Pennsylvania.

I love how the tech bros and wannabe oligarchs are lining up to kiss your ring.

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I hope for their sake you had it bleached beforehand.

My notes stop making sense at this point so I apologise if I lose track of which speeches you made where and to whom over the space of those two days.

I saw Melania standing next to you with two bibles, neither of which you laid a hand on when being sworn in. Good thinking. You wouldn’t want to risk bursting into flames in front of all those people.

Well done on not having a nice thing to say to Joe Biden, who appeared to be either fast asleep or stone dead in a chair near the podium. Human decency never got anyone anywhere. You did succeed in getting a laugh from your old nemesis Hillary Clinton when you said you’d be renaming the Gulf of Mexico.

As we all know, the Gulf of America was formed 300 million years ago by hard-working white people like you and me. Bloody Mexicans. Always trying to take credit for stuff they didn’t do.

You made a barnstormer of a speech, my friend. All three or seven or however many there were. To be frank, you weren’t always my friend. Like your favourite band, The Village Idiots … I beg your pardon, Village People, they only recently joined your cult.

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That gang of screaming gaylords were firm Kamala Harris supporters right up until you kicked her pretty ass.

Everyone loves a winner, right? Principles don’t pay the rent and honesty is for losers.

I like that you’re going to declassify all sorts of secret documents. Why stop there? You could make a fortune printing the nuclear codes on beer mats and selling them to Hooters.

Donald, you have a fine-looking family. Can’t beat those German, Scottish, Czech and Yugoslav genes. Everyone should have children who look like yours. As long as they’re not sneaking across the border and spawning litters of anchor babies.

I’m a bit worried about Barron, though. The last time anyone saw him, he was knee-high to a koringkriek. Now he’s nearly three metres tall and looks like a cross between Count Dracula and Damien from The Omen. And why does he have such a massive schnoz? Did you shag a lappet-faced vulture?

Not judging. You’ve slept with worse.

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Good call to move your inauguration indoors. It was chilly out there. No need to suffer needlessly. Or at all. Ever. Suffering is for other people.

You said you’d get “critical race theory” and “transgender insanity” out of American schools. This is great, but I hope you don’t try to keep mass shooters out of schools. Even homicidal sociopaths have the right to bear arms.

After one of your speeches, a bunch of cannons began firing outside. Was that another “assassination” attempt? Good thing they missed. God is definitely on your side.

By the way, was Melania wearing a wide-brimmed hat to prevent you from getting close enough to kiss her? That woman is deeply ungrateful. It’s time to trade her in for a newer model. The internet is full of sites for mail-order brides. Hell, I might even get a couple for myself.

At one point, young men in military uniforms began marching about, singing some kind of homoerotic tune. Why didn’t you pick something more upbeat? The Horst Wessel Song would’ve been perfect. Maybe accompanied by dancing girls with leopards on leashes. If you’re going to break with tradition, do it properly.

With your fist in the air, you said you were going to put America first. Did you run this by Israel? If not, you’re looking for trouble. Netanyahu is a cornered rat right now and can’t be trusted.

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You also said the scales of justice would be rebalanced. I suppose they’d have to be after all the Bolivian marching powder that Don Jnr’s been weighing.

Your promise to plant the stars and stripes on Mars got Elon very excited. He jumped up and down and gave you two thumbs-up. Earlier, he was photographed giving what looked like a Nazi salute and later having what appeared to be a drug-induced episode.

Valuable asset, that man, but watch him closely. White South Africans are dangerously unpredictable. Feed him beer and biltong if he starts misbehaving. And don’t mention the war.

A fawning Sky reporter said: “You’re looking at The Beast making its way to …”. It turned out she was referring to your car. Seems a bit of a waste. You must insist on being called The Beast from now on. People will respect you more. And if they laugh, it’s because they fear you.

Anyway, please be nice to my country. We’re the bit at the bottom of Africa, sort of between Brazil and Australia. Ask Barron. He strikes me as someone with a nose for geography.