Don’t mention satire, Basil
I think you need to get in touch with your feminine side, acknowledge your privilege and learn a bit more about global warming and think about veganism.
Scene: The reception area of a quaint, seaside hotel. Outside, a Morris Marina draws up in a cloud of oil smoke – and a lanky man in a houndstooth jacket and jaunty cravat emerges. On his way in, he passes a pipe-smoking old differ.
Basil: Morning, Major!
Major: Warning? What warning? I never heard the air-raid siren! Oh! global warming! Is there a tsunami coming?
Sybil: Basil, I’ve told you not wind up the major. We don’t want him having a heart attack on the premises. The bloody NHS is so busy with Covid-19, we’d have to stuff him in the coal shed if he snuffs it…
Basil: How on earth did we civilise half the world and win the Battle of Britain with duffers like the major around?
Sybil: Basil – did you not read the directive from the Thought Ministry about being careful about narratives which might offend? And you have been told not to use the C word…
Basil: Oh Colonialism? I’m not stupid, for goodness sake, Sybil! That word went out of fashion years ago – except for that harpie in Cape Town, Helen with the bloody German surname…
Sybil: Basil! Don’t you pay any attention? Didn’t you notice that the Thought Ministry ordered UK TV with withdraw our episode on “Don’t mention the war!” Well I did tell you at the time, Basil, that it was offensive to our colleagues in the European Union.
Basil: That’s why I voted for Brexit! I don’t need these crappy Krauts, with their beautiful efficient cars trying to conquer us again! Why can’t we still have a Morris Minor, which falls apart when you look at it? What’s wrong with a reminder of fine British craftsmanship, I say!
Manuel: Mista Fawlty! Mista Fawlty!
Basil: What is it, you pathetic little … Oh bol-locks, what’s the correct word? … person? Can’t find any bulls to run away from, is it? Or do you want all of your Premiership players back? You can bloody well have them!
Manuel: Thee newthpapers are here. You say hi must tell hugh when they come…Basil (looking at newspapers on table): Where’s the bloody Sunday Independent from South Africa? What else am I going to use to line the parrot’s cage? Stupid bloody bird of Sybil’s anyway. Polly wants a kick up the backside!
Polly (the housemaid enters in fetching apron and shapely legs): Did you call, Mr Fawlty?
Basil: No I didn’t call girl … har har! You’d make quite a nice call girl. With buns like that, you should work in a bakery…
Sybil: Basil, stop being a pig. Did you not read the new government tourist industry policy on Sexual Harassment in the Workplace?
Basil: Bloody interfering civil servant martinets! Can a man not have a bit of fun any more?
Sybil: That’s why we also get The Guardian, dear. I think you need to get in touch with your feminine side, acknowledge your privilege and learn a bit more about global warming and think about veganism. Wasn’t that Greta Thunberg such a lovey girl? If only we could have had a child like that, Basil…
Basil: How, Sybil? Immaculate bloody conception? I haven’t had my leg over for so long I’m even starting to look at the bloody waiter. Damn – my parents should never have sent me to a private boarding school!
Sybil: Calm down, Basil! You never know who might be watching…
Basil: Well they can bloody well sod off! I just want to say…..
WE APOLOGISE FOR THE INTERRRUPTION This programme has been cancelled. Basil Fawlty has been sent to a re-education camp.
Brendan Seery
For more news your way, download The Citizen’s app for iOS and Android.
For more news your way
Download our app and read this and other great stories on the move. Available for Android and iOS.