Dear Helen, here is a lesson in empathy from a woman who recently miscarried

On the day I was meant to see my growing baby in utero, I instead observed 7 days since we officially lost him. This is the day I learn of the vicious tweet from DA leader Helen Zille.

The tweet reads:

“Wokeness” equates victimhood with virtue, and these public displays of suffering are intended to advance both. A bit of Stoicism is the real virtue that should be pursued.

This comes after The Duchess of Sussex Meghan Markle had an opinion piece published in the New York Times regarding a miscarriage she had in July.

Zille subsequently joined a Twitter conversation by Brendan O’Neill, a man, who asked: “Do we really need to know about Meghan Markle’s miscarriage?”

As a woman that had just recently had one, the answer to this question is a definite YES!

Women and mothers have been taught to suffer in silence for centuries; the generational curse that still follows many of us. This is why women leave abusive homes in body bags.

You call it Stoicism, an ancient maxim that holds no place in the realistic, everyday lives of women who are losing their children in utero every day. One in four women, to be exact.

That is how many of us will lose an unborn child in our lifetime.

You, Helen, are perpetuating a toxic culture of dying in silence, overwhelmed by a deep pool of depression. You are hindering the work we are trying to do on mental health, Helen!

ALSO READ: Zille slammed for tweet about Meghan Markle miscarriage

We are telling women to share more because we know how tough and lonely womanhood can be. We are sharing more, because we are trying to remind that lonely mom, wondering if she will overcome her motherhood challenge, that we have been there, and we overcame. This means she can do it as well.

What makes you and Brendan think you have an opinion on how a woman should grieve their dead child? Unfortunately, due to your Stoicism, we will never know if you know how it feels to lose a child. In case you don’t, I would suggest that you refrain from trying to teach a grieving mother how to navigate her healing. Let the community of grieving mothers handle this one.

Also, I wonder if you would be of the same stance if a blonde, sad Karen shares the same story. Or was this public enough to be a tad controversial?

We cannot “endure pain or hardship without the display of feelings and without complaint” anymore Helen. This is what Stoicism is, right? This is why blacks have been disenfranchised for so many years. Cause we sat in silence when we were being transported by slave ships.

We sat and watched as our land was getting stolen right under our noses.

When governments chained, torched, and killed everyone that spoke up; because how dare they speak up about how abnormal the system is.

Now you want us to follow a path of destruction of not writing about our pain?

Whatever your intentions, do not assume that you knew Meghan’s intentions by writing that piece.

It was sent to me two days after I had my miscarriage, and it gave me hope that one day, it won’t hurt as much it does now. That, someday, another woman will be as brave as she was and share her story with someone else to give them hope.

Imagine a world where your children, Paul and Thomas, ceased to exist at some point in your pregnancy. Now, imagine someone telling you to deal with that pain with “a bit” of endurance for suffering.

You should not have said that.

Karabo Mokoena is a wife, a girl mom, a writer and content creator. She is the Resident Contributor for Parenty and a Mommy Blogger, creating relatable parenting content for her blog Black Mom Chronicles. You can engage with her on her Instagram and Facebook pages. 

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