Dear Cyril, here’s a government demerit system for you we can all support

TO: President Cyril Ramaphosa

FROM: Concerned Private Citizens

SUBJECT: Proposed new Bill

Your Serene Worthiness:

We noticed recently that your esteemed Minister of Transport, Mbaks Mbalula, has got you to finally sign into law the Administrative Adjudication of Traffic Offences Act (Aarto).

Inspired by him (although not by his “high visibility” jacket or Granny Doris’s glasses) and by your example of the “New Dawn”, we humbly propose the following Bill which, we believe, should be put through parliament as soon as possible.

The Administrative Adjudication of Real Government Horseshit Act, or AARGH for short.

Each Cabinet minister will be awarded 12 points at the start of their term. This may not sound like a lot but, going on past form, many of them will steal a whole lot more.

For every violation, points will be deducted, according to the scale below:

• Every instance using the phrase “we are committed to building a better life for all”; “National Democratic Revolution”; “Radical Economic Transformation” (or variations thereof) – 3 points

• All other silly utterances (including tweets) – 1 point. (The exception to this will be Mbaks, where each inanity will attract only a one-tenth of a point penalty. This will give him at least a week’s grace…)

• For every “blue light” vehicle in the minister’s convoy – 1 point (we realise this may mean some will hit zero points almost instantly). For every bodyguard over one – 1 point.

• For every friend or relative working in his or her ministry – 1 point (This may result in some getting minus points)

• For every court appearance – 6 points

• For every time their name is mentioned in connection with state capture – 3 points

• For every pointless foreign trip – 3 points (The rule for you will be 1 point, Your Excellency, because in your position as Head of State, you are required to make more pointless foreign trips than anyone else)

Once a minister has hit zero (thereby equalling his or her real value to South Africa), they will be given the option to “self-correct” in the following ways:

• Buying a Toyota Corolla or VW Jetta as their official car – 1 point in their favour for every R100,000 saved on the cost of their previous SUV/limo.

• Flying economy class to parliament – 1 point for every R1,000 saved on a business class ticket.

• Helping with genuine community projects (media opportunities don’t count, even for you, Mbaks…) – 0 points. Serving the community should be what you do. However, this will be taken into account as mitigation in the final adjudication process.

• Sponsoring a child through school or university – 1 point per R10,000 of commitment.

• If a minister has no points deducted for a full, five-year, term, he or she will be considered for the next Cabinet.

Those who “rehabilitate” themselves back to 12 points – and do not incur further penalties – will be allowed to continue in their jobs for the rest of the term.

If there is no improvement in loss of points, the minister will be given the option of resigning, or volunteering for a rural development adviser post in Syria (or Libya, or Somalia, or South Sudan).

Those with zero (or less) will be removed from their jobs and sent to clean the firepool at Nkandla … or to fill in pit toilets at schools.

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