Dad, be there for your kid

Do you have any memories of spending time with your father as a young child?

Was your dad, your uncle or your grandfather involved in your life when you were growing up, or was it mainly your mother, grandmother or aunties that took care of you?

If you don’t have any strong memories of your father or male role models during the early years of your life, you are not alone.

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For most children, their fathers have not been as involved in child raising as mothers have – especially not in the early years.

This is for a number of reasons, including stereotypes that have taught us “men are providers, women are carers”.

However, I believe these traditional, patriarchal views have taught us to be sceptical of men’s roles in young children’s lives and have deprived many of our children of unique God-ordained benefits.

If their fathers had been encouraged to play a more active role in their early childhoods, these benefits would have brought forth great fruit.

Research shows that fathers – or more broadly, male caregivers – have a unique positive contribution to make in a young child’s mental and emotional development, setting them up for additional success as an adult.

When fathers – or male caregivers – are not capable of being positively present, it is a loss for them – and the child – to not be involved in a hands-on way.

From birth to age five, a child’s brain develops more than at any other time in life. During this period, children develop the connections they need to be healthy, capable, successful adults.

Dads can play an important part in this process and even where biological fathers can’t be involved, children still need social fathers who can be a positive male influence in their lives.

The presence and engagement of a father assists children to develop properly physically.

When fathers play with their children, they tumble with them, they run and play soccer and this type of play helps their gross motor development and boosts their psychological confidence.

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As a principal and owner of an early childhood development (ECD) centre, I have seen on the occasions that a father arrives on foot to collect his child, I see them picking up their child and putting them on their shoulders.

That dance, when a child is placed high above the ground, is like the child is sitting upon the shoulders of a giant.

It gives the child a better world view and exposes him or her to something they would not have had if simply walking.

You should hear little children when they’ve had an encounter with their parents over the weekend and they come back to class on Monday and head off to the playground.

They want to tell everybody what they did with their father as they share confidently from a place of feeling secure. I do not want to undermine the efforts of a single mother, nor do I want to suggest that those without fathers – biological or social – are developing in an inferior way.

Rather, I want to emphasise that a father can contribute to a child’s life in a positive and unique way and should do so – and be allowed and encouraged to do so – if he is capable and able.

As a society, we need to start recognising and appreciating the unique role that fathers can play in the lives of our children and embrace a cultural mind shift that encourages fathers to get involved in supporting and educating their children.

I know many of us have grown up with suspicions about men being involved in the lives of young children, but we should not let a few bad apples disqualify all men from playing their rightful role in our families and communities.

I realise it may not always be easy to get fathers involved for various reasons, such as beliefs that the only contribution they should make is a financial one.

But even if they cannot provide monetary support, children need their father’s presence and involvement – especially before age five.

I say this because, typically, the way that men and women play with children is different. Women tend to be more nurturing and men tend to have a more physical way of playing.

This playing style helps a child’s problem-solving, language and math skills.

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A father, or social father, also helps with the emotional aspects of a child’s development, including self-esteem, resilience and mental health.

If a father is not around or available, we want communities to understand that other role models can step up – men like sports coaches, teachers, pastors or other male relatives can play a significant role in a child’s development.

We have seen wonderful results from our Heartlines Fathers Matter ECD programme that seeks to equip ECD teachers and principals on the “why” and “how” of father, or male role, model involvement in their children’s early years.

We have plenty of testimonies coming from mothers and teachers who have attended the programme, like:

• “Kids play more when they are outdoors and when asked about it, they say that it’s because they play with their dads at home.”

• “They [the children] are more happy and have come out of their shell.”

• “One girl was quite shy but after her father brought her to school, she became more open and talkative. So now we know when she is not okay.”

These are powerful stories and we need to see more testimonies like this.

If you’re a father or a father figure to a child, please know that you have a very valuable contribution to make in the lives of your young people.

When you spend time with a child and show interest in their lives from birth, you are not only helping them to develop well now, but to grow into a wonderful human being.

And your life will be so blessed as well.

• Poka is an ECD centre owner, pastor and passionate about early childhood education.

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