Cure for South Africa will be painful…

This morning when I woke up, my face ached. “What’s wrong with your face?” the lovely Snapdragon asked. “Absolutely nothing,” I said. “I’m an oil painting.” “Yes,” she agreed. “A Picasso.”

I rushed to the bathroom and, lo and behold, my face was swollen beyond all recognition. I brushed my teeth. It was sheer agony. Then I showered. Every drop that rained down on my face was a droplet of red-hot lead. I stopped at the pharmacy.

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“What’s wrong with your face?” our regular pharmacist asked. “It looks like severe sinusitis,” the clinic sister diagnosed. “Impossible,” I said. “It’s extremely painful. I’m sure it’s a tumour, perhaps?” The sister shook her head. “No, sinusitis. Combined with regular male hypochondria.” She gave me some tablets.

“These will make you dizzy and drowsy.” “Great,” I replied. Her warning was an understatement. I still look like a chipmunk, but the pain is gone and I am trying my utmost best not to write about the multicoloured unicorns I’m seeing.

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This morning when I woke up, our country’s face was aching. “What’s wrong with your country’s face?” Moodies and the other credit agencies asked. “Absolutely nothing,” uncle Cyril replied. “South Africa is an oil painting.” “Yes,” the credit agencies replied. “A Picasso.”

The keen political observers among us rushed to the bathroom and, lo and behold, South Africa’s face was swollen beyond all recognition. The credit agencies agreed that the problem was not with the mirror and downgraded us.

We tried to brush our teeth in the last municipal elections. It was sheer agony, but coalition councils didn’t cure the problem. We tried to shower the country in international loans. The repayments are like thundershowers.

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“What’s wrong with your face?” the international community asked. “Not much,” we still tell them.

“We have a few minor problems – electricity, infrastructure, health services, crime, education, corruption… But on the whole, it’s still a wonderful place.”

“It looks like a malicious tumour,” US observers diagnosed. “Impossible,” the ANC said. “Just sinusitis, perhaps?” The cure is going to be painful…