Court cases are all stand-up comedy

I’ve always been fascinated, if not irritated, by the jargon used in law. It probably stems from me being cerebrally impaired.

No wonder I can’t fathom what precisely members of the law fraternity mean when writing or speaking. It’s called legalese and understood only by them.

Why? To impress? Perhaps, but I have a theory it’s for no other reason than to bamboozle the gullible so they can get case outcomes swinging their way. Like protracted court cases translating into more lolly in the kitty.

I’m reminded of the lawyer who dies and goes to heaven. “There must be some mistake,” the lawyer argues. “I’m too young to die. I’m only 55.”

“Fifty-five?” says Saint Peter. “No, according to our calculations, you’re 82.”

“How’d you get that?” the lawyer asks.

Answers St Peter, “We added up your time sheets.”

Court traditions too, are cause for amusement.

Theatre, all theatre. A mix of comedy and drama enacted by stand-up lawyers and attorneys who try outdoing each other with smartass, impolite innuendo and intricate past case studies that often (to me, that is) have nothing or little to do with the cases on hand.

And at the end of the day, the judge or magistrate has to do a summation of all this self-indulgent mumbo jumbo and come to a decision. No wonder outcomes are often inaccurate reflections and open to appeal. And time sheets pile up.

Years ago as a newly-wed struggling to survive on apprentice wages, I appeared before a magistrate for ignoring a red robot.

“How do you plead?” asked the unsmiling cloak.

“Guilty,” I nervously whispered.

The obese prosecutor intervened. “Speak up and address the magistrate properly”.

“Guilty, your holiness”.

The magistrate forced a smile. “Why did you do it?”

“Dunno. Sorry … your highness”.

A giggle from fatso.

I was found guilty and fined R500, probably more for insubordination than for a traffic violation.

If I had to appear today I’d know the script and do proper stand-up.

Only joking, M’lud.

Cliff Buchler.

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