Couple’s bedroom secrets and bad habits laid bare

The sanctity of the bedroom has been defiled.

Researchers have invaded what should be couples’ secret domain with probing questions. Like, what are the habits of your partner that get your goat.

Irritants creeping in between the blankets, as it were, that don’t matter a fig during the honeymoon.

The number one culprit is snoring. Evidently, this leads to sleeping in separate rooms. Rather drastic, don’t you think?

Heidi has the solution. Earplugs. It not only stifles the sound of my sawing wood, but also the tell-tale tinkling ricocheting off toilet ceramic ware that’s amplified during the dark hours.

Sleeping naked is another for some. No problem. Where we live you’d die of frostbite with the constant freezing sea breeze cutting through the sheets.

So thermal wear at all times. Another bad habit not affecting us is passing wind. Playing “tent-tent”, honeymoon favourite, is infra dig.

Must admit, sometimes after a meal of cabbage or baked beans it takes all my concentration and willpower to keep flatulent fumes safely bottled up.

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There are times when the build-up is too much to handle, so I jump out of bed and run to the toilet or as far away from the bedroom as possible to prevent fallout near sleeping beauty’s nostrils.

Morning breath is a killer. Especially after an evening out at an Italian restaurant having savoured chunks of garlic and glasses of cheap white.

Thankfully we’re nonsmokers. We religiously brush our teeth and scrub our tongues before bedtime, but the strawberry toothpaste (left behind by the grandkids) doesn’t help.

Unlike during the honeymoon, our mouths are now kept tightly shut. Perspiring poses another problem.

Especially when a partner suffers hot flashes, sorry, flushes. Luckily at our age there isn’t anything left to flash, er, flush.

Now, here’s another one that we had to cope with.

Pets in the bed. We inherited two pooches from grandkids.

They’re accustomed to sleeping with their owners. Luckily they weren’t Great Danes or Alsatians, or I would be dossing in the kennel.

We’ll skip fidgeting, itching, scratching, cussing in your sleep.

They remain inviolable.