Christmas shopping is ruthless – good thing I had a plan

With a week to go, my Christmas shopping is done. While most of the country will be rediscovering how sharp the human tongue – and elbow – can be while jostling for position at the bargain bins and check-out counters two days before the big gift reveal, I’ll be lazing by the pool, lighting a fire, listening to music.

And no, Boney M. is not on my playlist, although I’m sure the band will get more than their fair share of airtime in the malls.

Christmas shopping is not for the faint-hearted. It requires perseverance and courage on par with that of soldiers fighting behind enemy lines.

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It’s ruthless. I once witnessed a tug-of-war between two women who can double up as sumo wrestlers over a fake Versace bag in a China mall.

It was an ungloved catfight, with nails and teeth part of the armoury deployed, while Little Drummer Boy was parampampamping at full volume.

My knowledge of the Chinese language is restricted to the odd word, but I’m pretty convinced the shopkeeper and some of his other customers were taking bets on who would eventually emerge victorious.

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I left before the cops and paramedics were called to the scene. Not wanting to expose myself to the trauma of Christmas shopping so soon after last year’s ordeal, I did the sensible thing and picked up all the gifts I intend to give – well, almost all – at the bank.

It didn’t involve a mask, heavy artillery and a getaway driver – just my debit card. Went in, withdrew my gift budget and went home.

Then, in the comfort of my own home, I wrapped everyone’s gifts in envelopes. No need for wrapping paper with pictures of snowmen, reindeer, or some overweight, bearded guy in red overalls.

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For me, the most important aspect about giving cash as a gift is that I cannot be accused of favouring one of the children or grandchildren above the others.

Everyone gets the same. I did go shopping for gifts for one family member though.

Took me three hours and played havoc with my budget. However, I’m sure he will appreciate his gift selection more than an envelope.

After all, my dog is not good with money.