Big Pharma is living off the fat of the land

Helluva Easter, that was. JD Vance killed the pope and I didn’t drink enough to even get a hangover. The devil works in mysterious ways.

Anyway, that’s not what I want to talk about this week. Over the interminable weekend, I frequented Durban’s beachfront on several occasions for reasons which, according to my lawyer, need not be ventilated in public.

My peregrinations up and down the boulevard of broken dreams, once known as the Golden Mile, resulted in several encounters with people of a girth quite unlike anything I have ever seen.

This alarming experience was replicated in Umhlanga and Ballito.

I’m not being fattist. I’ve heard people say that obesity is a problem in South Africa. I disagree. It all depends on how you handle it.

Obesity only becomes a problem if it tries to sit on you. Or if you unwisely fail to step aside to let it pass unhindered.

I have never looked at a very fat person and wondered how I could make money out of them. Do you know who has, though? The pharmaceutical industry, that’s who.

Like the people they’re aimed at, weight-loss drugs are bigger than ever. Sales of obesity treatments are set to hit $150 billion in a few years and the traffickers are racing to get ahead in the game.

These companies are doing the Lord’s work. You can help them by stuffing yourself with puddings and pies around the clock.

Thanks to drugs, Clicks’ turnover has grown by 9.2% to R4.7 billion. That’s the equivalent of 152 swimming pools filled with cocaine.

I’m talking about the good stuff here, not the rubbish from Hillbrow that’ll give you a septum with more deviations than the road from Kokstad to Mthatha.

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To be fair, this profit has been driven by all classes of medicine. When it comes to running according to schedule, drugs beat our trains hands down.

Our pharmaceuticals range from schedule 0, which includes time-wasting nonsense like aspirin and vitamins, right up to schedule 8.

Things start getting interesting from schedule 6, so you might want to kick off there, regardless of your condition.

Most of the ailments listed in the ever-expanding Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (its sixth edition is in the works) can be treated with pills or a sharp slap across the side of the head.

If those fail, shouting “get a grip!” has been known to work, although relapses are common.

Fat people, though. Those are the real cash cows. Who among us doesn’t want to lose weight?

Could the Sudanese refugees at the back please put their hands down. I’m sure Big Pharma is working on a weight-gain pill for you as we speak.

You could hurry things along by demonstrating that you have money. You can’t expect them to make drugs for people who can’t afford them, can you? That would be crazy.

So, the demand for weightloss products like Ozempic has boosted Clicks pharmacy sales. And more good news is that the company is poised to get even richer given the increase in diabetes patients, many of whom would rather lose weight than die.

“In South Africa, diabetes is a massive problem,” said CEO Bertina Engelbrecht, in what could have been a brilliant pun if all diabetics were overweight.

“Globally, the demand for Ozempic and Wegovy, also a weight-loss product for diabetes patients, pumped $26 billion into maker Novo Nordisk last year,” said one news report.

ALSO READ: Beware of fake Ozempic and Mounjaro used for weight loss, Sahpra urges

Once again, let me point out that not all fat people are diabetics and not all diabetics are fat. I say this to protect myself and nobody else. There’s no telling what either group is capable of if pushed too far.

Clicks, with 950 stores, opened 20 new pharmacies in the six months up to February and dozens more are planned this year.

“We have a steady pipeline of pharmacy licences which inspires confidence that we will resume our market share gain in retail pharmacy this year,” said Engelbrecht.

Or, in another universe: “We are deeply concerned that the number of sick people in this country is spiralling but we will do our best to make them well again.”

But wait. There’s even more good news for the larger person. Eli Lilly, America’s pharmaceutical cephalopod with tentacles in 125 countries, has also produced an experimental pill that helps people lose weight while helping the $775 billion company get even richer at the same time.

It’s a pill called orforglipron. Presumably if you can pronounce it, you can afford it.

The late-stage trial found that up to 18% of patients who necked the drug experienced nausea, up to 26% got the runs and up to 14% barfed.

This, apparently, is a brilliant result. The only way I’d risk side effects like these is if the pill also had hallucinogenic properties.

On Monday, Pfizer discontinued its experimental weight-loss pill. It has the equally mellifluous name, danuglipron.

This came after a trial patient’s liver complained. I have a liver that disagrees with many things but you won’t catch me discontinuing anything.

We South Africans aren’t quitters, even if it kills us.

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