Bend it like Jacob Zuma

Dear Mister Jacob Zuma, I wish to make an appointment, please. Should I go through Dudu? I am sure that I will find her on X.

She probably still calls it Twitter. She still calls you President Zuma, even though it’s been a while.

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I know that you are a man of the people. I am one of the people. You see, sir, I have long desired a career in politics.

I have been held back by a lack of confidence. However, now that I see your excellency, Julius, Dr Ace, Mr Manyi and others romping in the fields of the political landscape, I am encouraged.

Anyone can be a politician in this great country. Even Commander Carl and our former public protector have found bottom-hugging seats in parliament.

We are nothing if not inclusive. A friend says that’s true: we are nothing. I asked him what he meant and he replied: “To quote several powerful politicians: ‘fokol’. But, I ramble – like the average politician. (My friend says that they are below average.

He is beginning to irritate me). I was somewhat concerned that my history of minor misunderstandings with law and order representatives might disadvantage me.

I see that I need not have been concerned at all. Inclusivity reigns. I am ambitious but not overly so. I would be quite happy to start out as a backbencher.

I can disrupt, boo and sleep with the best of them. The last is not to be misinterpreted, please. It refers to refreshing power nap on the benches.

Like all of you, I have a fine line in bulls**t, pardon, fiery oratory. I understand that a good mentor is crucial to one’s success in politics. Who else has brushed aside a shower of scandals like lint on a collar?

Who else has kept the courts at bay as long as you have? When I tried to have the judge and prosecutor recuse themselves in my case, I was woefully unsuccessful.

Of course, I did not have the brilliant people’s advocate, Mr Mpofu, in my corner. I think that things would have turned out very differently. You once posed the chicken-and-egg riddle as to which came first, democracy or the ANC.

Now you have again mesmerised the country with another riddle, namely, when is a prison sentence not a prison sentence? Not only are you a chess master as your loyal supporters often point out, but it appears that you are also a Zen master.

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I look forward to having tea with you, as mister Malema did and drinking from your well of wisdom. (He’s been in fine form, since, despatching cows, breathing fire from his nostrils etc.)

Your Houdini-like exploits are so fantastical that it is difficult to attribute them to skill, strategy or luck alone.

Sir, we have much in common. I too like a good, belly laugh. I can spin a good yarn. Like you, I am a man of the people. I, too, have suffered abuse at the hands of powerful people, for standing up for said people.

Also for brandishing a firearm in a bank. A misunderstanding made much of by malicious people with dark, political agendas.

The gun was for my protection. We live in a dangerous country. Who knows what lunatics, villains and thugs one might encounter in a bank.

I was also accused of having wasted nine years, while enjoying the hospitality of the state.

A ridiculous accusation made by jealous and malicious persons. I made the most of my time working in the institution’s library and involving my housemates in various entrepreneurial ventures.

For the benefit of the people, of course. I am due to be released later this month. I was, unfortunately, excluded from the amnesty that benefited many villains and rogues, recently. You might have heard something about that?

Could we then meet to discuss matters of mutual interest and benefit? Yours in the struggle for politics of service and integrity.