Being the chosen one is a heavy burden

Are you the chosen one in your family? You may ask yourself what that entails. Well, can a family decision that affects siblings, parents and grandchildren be taken in your absence or without your input? Or almost everything has to get your approval before any further steps can be taken?

In my teen years, I was my grandparent’s preferred child to be sent to the shops with ‘big money’ or money that would have change. I was the child that never took a cent for himself from the change. On the contrary, other grandchildren would help themselves to the change. This was not always cool. At times I would want to enjoy playing soccer with my peers and be excused.

Later on when I became more responsible and entered adulthood at the age 18, 19 and 20, I was trusted with bank cards, pins and even sensitive family secrets by my mom, aunts and uncles who wouldn’t do the same with their own flesh and blood (kids).

My cousins were hurt by this. They would be so upset when they see me with groceries or see me handing back a bank card and money. It would signal that I was sent to run errands for their parents while they were available. However, they never want to take account of how they abuse the trust with their parents.

Today, as a 29-year-old, family meetings don’t occur without me. Well, for almost 10 years now, my absence in a family meeting makes the whole meeting null and void. This causes hatred, resentment, bitterness and discomfort with siblings and cousins.

At times I will be called for my input or to approve what their family meeting has concluded on. It almost makes the efforts of others pointless.

I get labelled ‘favourite’ with scornfulness. When my sibling does not want to do something our mom asks her to do, she would simply say: “Tell the apple of your eye to do it for you.”

This leads to a lot of conflicts amongst siblings.

I wish siblings and cousins would understand that carrying the ‘curse’ of being a favourite is not a choice. I wish they could realise that parents and family elders choose who they want as their go-to person.

I know of instances where the grandparent’s favourite grandchild is an irresponsible someone who is never wrong before their eyes. I know that parents also have children that are the apple of their eyes but those very children misuse their money, don’t take care of them and they still wouldn’t want anyone else close to them or their estate.

Have you made peace with your sibling, aunt, uncle or cousin whom a family meeting or major decision cannot be taken without their input?

I am glad that I’m not the most trusted because of academic qualifications or because of a position I hold at work. That is usually the case at typical homes where one’s bank balance automatically makes them the favourite of the parents or elders.

Furthermore, I’m proud that I never abuse the privilege and power that comes with this unmerited position of favour and influence. I hope that the older we get, particularly as the chosen ones and favourites, we ensure that our siblings and cousins never feel inferior or unloved because of our presence.

Equally, I hope that they also realise that we aren’t to blame for being the chosen ones.

All I know is, life would be so easy and family gatherings would have less angry people if there were no favourites or chosen people. And if I could give up this tiring position of being the decider and voice of reason, I would without blinking. It is tiring!

Worse, family feuds won’t end as long as we have favourites.

So, what kind of a favourite family member are you or how do you deal with the issue of the chosen one in your family?

Kabelo Chabalala is the founder and chairperson of the Young Men Movement (YMM), an organisation that focuses on the reconstruction of the socialisation of boys to create a new cohort of men. Email, kabelo03chabalala@gmail.com; Twitter: @KabeloJay; Facebook, Kabelo Chabalala

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