And the award goes to …

Good evening all, from me, Donald Trump. And, heh, heh, howzit from me, Jacob Zuma. We, as the top Newsmakers of 2017, are honoured to jointly hand out The Citizen’s Headliners of the Year award.

Donald, you win the Wella award for advanced hairstyling! Thank you, Jacob. And you win the “Stalingrad medal” for dragging things out! Our first headliner is: Robert Gabriel Mugabe.

Your soldiers helped clear your mind for your sideways move.

You win the “Zanu-PF Love You Long time Trophy”. Next up is your friend and mine, Vladimir Putin, whose interests range from drugs in sport to fracking to nuclear energy and a little bit of world domination.

He wins the “Tolstoy Memorial War and Peace” medallion for being the world’s most misunderstood leader.

The “Mike Tyson Slug It Out Bowl” goes jointly to Nkosazana Dlamini-Zuma and Cyril Ramaphosa who, right up to the final bell, had us guessing which way it would go.

The “Bell Pottinger Floating Trophy for Staying on Message” goes jointly to Brian Molefe, Anoj Singh and Lynne Brown, for their stellar roles in Ducking and Diving, Eskom-style.

That award comes with a R30 million bonus, donated by taxpayers.

The Helen Zille Plaque for Cheek of the Year was a difficult one to call. In America, Jacob, we had that Hillary Clinton wimp and Meryl Streep, who both attacked me.

Don’t you hate it when chicks don’t know their place, Jacob? Heh, heh, heh. But eish that Thuli Madonsela one was a problem, neh?

When did she decide that she must do her job?

Now, Busisiwe, she listens … And then that one, Makhosi Khoza, showed no respect for the men who are elders. She loved her picture on front pages.

Anyway, Donald, I would like to continue to a more pleasant award – the Optimistic Plaque for Upholding the Finest in SA traditions… For doing our nation proud for their balanced comments, we salute our two coaches – Stuart Baxter from Bafana Bafana and Allister Coetzee for the Springboks.

I was proud with the way they refused to agree to the old “maintaining standards” thing. Losing is not the end of the world.

So well done! Now, Jacob, what about Sibongile Mani, the student from a university in the Eastern Cape who found R14 million paid into her account by mistake and kept it!

She should be a politician! Get off the stage, you two! My name is Dunstan Mlambo – you may remember me, Msholozi – and I am the Judge President.

And I am here to remind us that, like our judiciary, there are still some things, and people, to be proud of in South Africa.

So, my awards for headlines and REAL achievement, go to: Wayde van Niekerk: Best in the world. Nothing more needs to be said.

Chad le Clos: Best in the world, but with added water! Cassper Nyovest for Filling up FNB Stadium … Viva local music, Viva! And, not forgetting: Miss Universe 2017, Demi-Leigh Nel-Peters!

Citizen acting deputy editor Brendan Seery.