Aboard the State-Owned Enterprise en route from Planet Gupta

Welcome to Star Journey (‘Trek’ is a Boer word and has been removed by order of Panyaza Lesufi).

Episode One Billion. (We do not know how long that will last because, around here, as soon as you say “Billion”, someone wants to steal it.)

We go where no man/woman/womxn/transgendered/unassigned/non-binary has gone before…

Captain’s log Star date 3138.31. Captain James T Kirk on the bridge of the State-Owned Enterprise, on our multiple-century mission to discover Profitability.

Since our last update, we passed through the Hloudi of Transformation and lost Lieutenant Uhura. She was replaced by Field Marshal Acquire Zuma, whose father is overlord of the Planet Nkandla. Mister Spock is no longer with us either, after the crew burnt his onboard spaza shop and chased him into the escape pod. He was last seen headed back to Vulcan. He has been replaced by Xeno Mashaba, whose father is King of the Blue City.

Our new Human Resources officer, Commissar Nep O’ Tism, has been supervising the new appointments, ably assisted by two Magashules, one Ramaphosa and six Mabuzas.

Doctor “Bones” McCoy decided he would retire and spend the rest of his days in peace; so he started a golf course and tartan shop in Syria. He has been replaced by 13 doctors and 37 nurses assigned to us from the NHI, which crash-landed badly on the meteorite Reality.

McCoy unfortunately never completed his research on the disappearance of the Milky Way – although he surmised it may have been due to the collapse of the dairy industry, thanks to Expropriation Without Compensation… Our new engineering officer, Conqueror of the Universe Brian Molefe, is installing the new warp drives. Here he is now.

“Captain, it is not my fault. It is a lie. Colonialism, Apartheid and White Monopoly Capital are responsible…”

“What is the problem, Conqueror?”

“The warp drives we bought from Spain don’t fit. They are too tall…”

Captain’s log resumes…

This is going to make it very difficult for us to escape from where we are trapped. When Planet Gupta collapsed in on itself it became a black hole where gravity gets so strong not even light (or truth) can escape.

Ask Zondo … We are slowly being sucked into the vortex of that hole. And, just now we detected a growing hostile Red Force of ships heading towards us from two Range Rover dealerships on Earth. Sensors indicate that some of them are Kling-Ons from the trade unions who still revere their Creator, Karl Marx.

Others appear to be Economic Space Fighters led by Ju Ju Binks, who defected from Star Wars (Youth League) to create his own show. We cannot move because we have so many people aboard that we are too heavy for the power we can make and load shedding is about to happen.

“Conqueror Molefe – deploy the shields!”

“We can’t, Captain. They were stolen! How did you not see the tweets about it by Yusuf Abramjee?”

“Replacements?”

“Tito Mboweni is bringing them but he won’t make it in time because he has to finish his Lucky Star pilchards dinner first!”

Captain’s log resumes…

There is no hope, we are doomed. The IMF will win! Beam me down, Brian. Ek’s die blerrie moer in.

“Attention all crew! This is your new Captain, Conqueror Brian Molefe. Arrest that man! Put him in leg irons. Afrikaans is Hate Speech, Comrades!”

Brendan Seery.

For more news your way, download The Citizen’s app for iOS and Android.