A seriously Sleazy business

Minutes of interviews for candidates for board members of new airline, Sleazy Jet.

Date: 7 November, 2020
Present: Minister of Public Enterprises; Minister of Finance.

The minister of Public Enterprises (MPE) opened the meeting. He outlined the purpose – being to interview selected short-listed candidates for the board of the replacement for SAA.

Minister of Finance (MF) interjected, querying why he was called a MF. Then he noted there were no Lucky Star pilchards being
served along with the Blue Label refreshments.

MF noted that this behaviour must be corrected, or else South Africa will become a laughing stock among other African nations.

Candidate 1 was asked by MPE whether she had any special skills for the post.

She replied that she was a paid-up ANC member and only wore green, gold and black caftans. MPE noted the answer with approval.

MF asked Candidate 1 about her experience.

She said she had often travelled first class to overseas conferences when representing the children’s new toilet foundation, of which she was chair.

Candidate 1 asked the panel to note she was an expert in “wining and dining”. Candidate 2 was asked by MF to explain why
she had not submitted a complete CV.

Her response: “Chair, I wish not to answer that question because it might incriminate me.” It was so noted.

MPE commented that silence was the best option in many cases, especially when the ungrateful media and stupid ordinary South Africans started turning against one because they were so badly financially illiterate.

Candidate 3 was not present. He was contacted via Zoom and MF noted that he appeared to be in a whorehouse.

MF wondered whether the candidate might not be a former DA MP … but was informed by the secretariat that, because of the new CEE (Cadre Economic Empowerment) policy, DA members were excluded.

Candidate 3 claimed a) that he could not remember his name and b) he could not remember applying for the job. He asked to be allowed to return to his new business.

MF observed that, judging by the scantily clad girls visible in the Zoom frame, business was certainly on the up and up. MPE chuckled.

Candidate 4 was asked by MF when he qualified as a chartered accountant. He responded: “I wish not to answer that question because it might incriminate me.”

MF and MPE then noted that the candidates appeared to have been colluding. This was noted as a positive expression of entrepreneurial flair.

Candidate 5 informed the panel that she had sent them some gifts.

MPE asked whether this was allowed in terms of the interview regulations, as it might be construed as trying to influence the outcome.

“Chair, they are just little vetkoeks,” she responded. MF and MPE noted the sublime taste of the delicacies and recommended she be allowed to run the Air Chefs catering operation.

Candidate 6, a white old man with orange hair, was asked if he was a member of the ANC.

He said the million dollar cheque was in the post. It was so noted. MF asked the man when he was available to start if successful.

He said he had nothing else on at the moment. He also offered to bring a gift for Sleazy Jet – something called Air Force 1.

The offer was accepted and MF noted for the record that he wanted the master bedroom on the Boeing 747.

Brendan Seery

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