A message via bush telegraph to the president of Botswana

Congratulations on your unilateral declaration of war against the elephants. They have taken over your country by stealth and you had no choice but to move quickly. Look what happened when Hitler invaded Poland. Endless dithering on the part of the Allies led to much of Europe being occupied. Elephants are no different to Nazis. Give them an inch and they’ll take everything. Allow them free rein in Botswana and the next thing you know, there are elephants marching on Johannesburg demanding jobs and homes.

I don’t want them coming around to my house, thank you very much. I have a tiny garden which is thoroughly unsuited to activity of a pachydermish nature. They would block my view and upset my cat by defecating everywhere. Look, I’m not saying I wouldn’t offer temporary shelter for a small orphan, but as we both know, they are herd animals. Feed one and you have to feed the lot. Word would quickly get out and there would be non-stop trumpeting at the gate with increasingly aggressive demands for a hand-out.

Depending on who you ask, Botswana has anywhere between 130-thousand and fifty million elephants. Numbers, like conservation, are a flexible concept in Africa. The point is that there are way too many of them and your army needs to be mobilised at once. I recommend using conventional warfare methods rather than guerrilla tactics. These brutes know the bush and you don’t want to risk having your troops outsmarted.

I believe you have just spent $2-billion on an arms deal. The timing couldn’t have been better. Use your new artillery to soften up the herds before sending in the infantry. Then unleash the Gripens. Given the size of the target, air attacks would work well. And landmines would be particularly effective given the size of their feet. Speaking of which, it was a nice touch giving visiting heads of state their very own footstools made from elephant feet at your recent conference on elephant management. It’s common knowledge that the best way to manage elephants is to cut off their feet.

Don’t forget that some of the other bits also make ideal gifts. The trunk, for instance, is a very flexible piece of equipment and a lot of fun can be had with it. I have also on occasion been lightly flagellated with an elephant tail and let me tell you, Mr President, it was quite an experience. You strike me as a man who might enjoy a bit of the old S&M. Get yourself a tail. You won’t regret it.

Your predecessor, Ian Khama, was a bunny-hugger who believed that elephants should be conserved rather than chopped up and used for furniture. I see he has now resigned from the Botswana Democratic Party in protest at your decision to overturn his ban on trophy hunting. You should banish him at once. If he loves elephants so much, make him go and live with them.

I visited your Okavango Delta not too long ago and was taken aback to see the number of animals that have been allowed to breed out of control. I could barely walk from the bar back to my tent in the evening without bumping into one or other snorting beast bristling with claws and teeth.

I almost got knocked unconscious in the middle of the night when a rogue elephant swung his trunk against the tent and whacked me across the head. At least, I hope it was his trunk. The alternative is too horrible to imagine.

Tens of thousands of animals in the wetlands are contributing nothing towards economic growth. I’m not talking about the ones who do tricks or come out at cocktail hour to be photographed. They at least earn their keep. But far too many of them spend their days dozing under trees or lolling about in the water, miles from any forex-bearing visitors.

When it comes to game that doesn’t pull its weight, you might want to consider feeding them to the poor. I imagine they are going to tire of eating elephants fairly soon and might enjoy a few hippo steaks, buffalo chops, lion loins, leopard cutlets, giraffe necks and rhino ribs.

Some of the less fussy countries, like France and China, will import anything that is remotely edible. You could even diversify your product line and introduce a range of white meats like fish eagle wings, crested crane breasts, ostrich thighs and sacred ibis spleens.

I have a friend who lives in Maun and he has had several encounters with elephants. He’s not complaining, mind you. He says they are more like meetings than encounters. In the morning, he will have a cup of coffee, smoke 150mg of dimethyltryptamine and walk through the bush until he finds the local herd. He says they are very gentle and happy to commune, but he’s a bit worried that their attitude might change if your friends from Safari Club International pitch up and start shooting them in the face.

Critics say you only scrapped the hunting ban in order to win the rural vote in October. Fair play to you. I don’t see anything wrong with using elephants as a political tool. We have a long tradition of electing our political tools. Parliament is full of them.

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