Phallic facts take centre stage on World Penis Day

It’s World Penis Day, and underwear company Frankees has partnered with a genital-obsessed research company, Saprobe (The South African Pelvic Research Organisation on Body Empowerment), to investigate the health and habits of male genitalia.

Sexologist Dr Eve (or Dr Marlene Wasserman, as she is otherwise known) says despite the snickers that a schlong-based study may cause, Saprobe is doing important work.

“All men tend to think about their penises, but rarely do they discuss their concerns or feelings with their partners or peers. Often, men have a complicated relationship with their phallic organs as they consider this as a means to assert social power and boost their confidence, rarely discussing their sexual health,” she said.

The research has come to important conclusions, such as the fact that while in Johannesburg and Pretoria 48 percent of males prefer to position their testicles to the left, in Cape Town and Durban, 52 percent of males’ testicles are positioned to the right. It must have something to do with the coastal air.

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The majority of men (65 percent) feel that size doesn’t matter, and it’s more about how you use this. Second to this, factors such as length (16 percent), shape (10 percent) and girth (9 percent) are also deemed important by men, 54 percent of whom rated their phallic size as average.

The study also found that there is a significant relationship between the phallic organ and the shape of fruit and vegetables. The banana (42 percent) is deemed the most similar fruit, followed by the mielie (22 percent). Fourteen percent feels a marrow is a better match. Men aged between 55+ years (20 percent) preferred to use the reference of a farm carrot. The eggplant, widely used as the emoji of choice to represent the male organ, was suspiciously nowhere to be found.

Not content to stop there, the study also made other important findings, such as the fact that Popeye, at 32 percent, is the most popular nickname for male genitalia, followed by Elvis at 14 percent and Moby Dick, which was favoured by those over 55. So now you know.

While the study seeks to make men proud of their penises, perhaps Penis Day can also be seen as an opportunity for men in South Africa to reflect on the correct way to use their appendage in a country where rape statistics are shockingly high.

Also, while a certain measure of penis pride is important, let’s not go overboard.

UK actor Maggie Smith is thought to be the person who said: “My dear, religion is like a penis. It’s a perfectly fine thing for one to have and take pride in, but when one takes it out and waves it in my face, we have a problem.” Wise words when applied to both religion and men’s genitalia.

Happy Penis Day.