Following a report in The Daily Maverick exposing trash believed to belong to EFF members, The Citizen has undertaken, in the interests of balance, to conduct detailed analysis of the trash of other major political parties.
Our team of hard-hitting muckrackers began at Luthuli House, where a look through the ANC’s rubbish revealed multiple copies of the Freedom Charter along with most of the resolutions from the 2017 Nasrec conference.
In DA-run Cape Town, our brave investigative journalist opened a bag of trash we found outside the office of the mayor. Inside was a homeless person. The Citizen was unable to obtain comment from him, as he was given a fine and removed by local police before he could be interviewed.
In Cope leader Mosiuoa Lekota’s trash were multiple ticket stubs from a Steve Hofmeyr concert.
Nothing, however, could prepare us for the contents of the ACDP’s rubbish, which were offensively boring. Copies of JOY magazine and bottles of non-alcoholic champagne left our intrepid reporters entirely unaware of where the party has stashed its cocaine, dildos and bondage gear that we know they must be hiding somewhere.
Our investigation was so thorough that not even the rubbish of South Africa’s smallest parties was left untouched.
In the rubbish from BLF leader Andile Mngxitama’s residence we found his political hopes and dreams, next to an election results statement from the IEC.
While the EFF have been criticised for the presence of empty bottles of expensive alcohol, H&M receipts and business class flight stubs, the contents of The Capitalist Party of South Africa’s bins were just as hypocritical.
The purple cows’ rubbish included receipts from Pep and Mr Price, discarded tins of Lucky Star pilchards and an empty bottle of Autumn Harvest crackling.
The contents of ACM leader Hlaudi Motsoeneng’s rubbish, meanwhile, were 90% local.
“The Daily Maverick is well known for being at the forefront of innovation in the South African media. If they publish something it must be brilliant, award-worthy journalism just by virtue of the fact that it’s on The Daily Maverick. We have no choice but to unquestioningly emulate them,” said one of our investigative reporters when asked what had motivated the project.
We will get further comment from the team after they have all had at least three showers each.
While on the topic of showers, future intrashstigation plans include a probe into the garbage at former President Zuma’s homestead in Nkandla. While we do not know what we will find, the number of children he has fathered leave us confident there won’t be any used condoms.
NOTE: This is satire, and we’d advise against taking this trash seriously.