Johannesburg mayor Herman Mashaba said he was fully committed to hearing the grievances of the people of Alexandra township, but added that he had been unable to do so thus far due to his super-busy schedule full of extra-important tasks.
“I was on my way this morning, but my delegation was unfortunately derailed when we had to stop and rescue a cat that was stuck in a tree,” he said.
Mashaba added that after this, he really meant to go through to Alex but realised he had left his wallet at home.
In addition to this, Mashaba said although he really, truly wanted to hear what the angry residents of the township had to say, he needed to reorder his filing cabinet, his car was in urgent need of being cleaned on the inside, it also happened to be his dog’s birthday, and that he had been meaning to wash his hair.
He added that his throat was also a little bit hoarse.
The Johannesburg mayor reacted angrily to suggestions that he may be avoiding the area out of fear.
“I am mayor of a city with five million residents in it. Why should I clear my schedule and prioritise one group of residents just because the entire area has been shut down including schools, and just because angry protesters have been specifically demanding that I personally hear their grievances for days, saying they won’t stop protesting until I do,” he said.
A DA spokesperson who asked to remain anonymous said he has faith in Mashaba’s ability to somehow deal with the shutdown remotely.
“He is a man of the people. Just maybe not those people,” he said.
NOTE: This is satire and is not to be taken seriously. All quotes attributed to Johannesburg mayor Herman Mashaba were actually made up by the author.