Making a real pig of myself

Pigs have staying power. Since time immemorial, they’ve been considered dirty, foul smelling and munchers of muck.

They’ve managed to survive the merciless onslaught over centuries from clerics prohibiting their adherents from relishing the succulent pork roasts, not forgetting chewing on mouthwatering crackling.

Evidently there’s ignorance among vintage cultures that modern farmers have cleaned up their act and the word pigsty has lost its malodorous connotation coined in an era when, ironically, even humans ponged to high heaven.

And currently porkers have upped the ante by entering the medical field. Their tissue makes effective aortic valves for humans.

For me. Yes, it’s being custom made to replace the worn out one that’s been leaving me breathless.

The valve is also made from cow or human tissue, but I opt for my favourite dish in preference to beef.

And as I’m impartial to a cannibalistic diet, I reject the human one.

To test whether my arteries would cope with another operation (I underwent a quadruple by-pass a few years ago), an angiogram becomes necessary.

This allows the surgeon to insert a piano wire into the spleen until it kisses the arteries.

To take my mind off the thought of a wire poking around, and the huge scanners moving a millimeter from my nose, I concentrate on the repartee between surgeon and assistants.

Obviously referring to the scanners, the surgeon instructs, “Give it three degrees to the left. Cool. Hold it there for a second.

This brings the one scanner brushing my eyelashes, unleashing an ugly expletive. But luckily the next step drags away the dreaded monster.

“Now feed in 60g of Bilokor. Cool. The artery is expanding nicely. OK. Now increase the dosage for the real test. YES. The artery isn’t exploding”.

If the artery had exploded, what would’ve happened to me? Probably leaving just a wet patch? The surgeon turns to me.

“Your arteries are a real work of art.”  I should’ve asked him for a selfie to have a painting done.

“Awesome Artery” would’ve made Sotheby’s for sure. I now await the finished product. Then watch me fly. Oink.