Why men fear couples counselling

“She’s been to counselling a lot on her own, so she knows all the right things to say. I feel like she immediately gets the counsellor on her side because she says something about empathy or attachment or some other touchy-feely word.”

Now we were getting somewhere! David, who up to this point had spent the better part of the two previous couple’s sessions staring at the list of ingredients on the back of his energy drink, was finally sitting up on the couch and looking me in the eye.

I was witnessing, in real time, David finally being the dreaded “v” word: vulnerable. As I glanced at his wife, Staci, it was clear to see that she, too, was getting a peek at a side of David that she hadn’t seen before and she liked what she was seeing.

And so it goes when working with men in couples counselling. I actually entered the counselling profession after a decade as successful software company executive because I felt a calling to work with men.

I went through university professing my passion for wanting to help my fellow XY-chromosome-carrying brethren become better husbands and fathers (cue the patriotic music while I step up on my soapbox).

I wanted to see men live up to their full potential

I wanted them to treat their mothers with kindness and return to helping old ladies across the street. I wanted to dig deep into their childhoods and help them realise that they were no longer that shy, insecure kid getting picked last at cricket, even if they deserved it.

I wanted them all building white picket fences around their dream homes, carrying their partners across the threshold. I wanted them to be millionaires and pirates and astronauts. And I wanted rainbows and unicorns to appear, and every man on Earth to finally get that pony he always wanted!

But men don’t come to therapy

Sure, there were the exceptions – the sensitive guy who likes rom-coms and aromatic shower gels and isn’t afraid to wear bright colours.

For the most part, I would only get men who had been caught in any of the following; looking at pornography or cheating on their spouses.

What I discovered in my work with men was that they typically turned to their vices as coping mechanisms and in most cases, they were coping with unsatisfying relationships with their partners or unfulfilling careers.

Coming to terms with these life-challenges was difficult because it implied weakness or vulnerability. Ah, there’s that word again – vulnerability.

This discovery led me to more training on couples counselling. I learned that most counsellors weren’t particularly excited to work with couples and upon further review, more than one counsellor shared with me that it was because they didn’t know what to do with the men.

Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy

My training led me to an evidenced-based modality called Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy.

EFT had become popular over the last 15 years led by renowned psychologist Dr. Sue Johnson and her easily-digestible book, Hold Me Tight.

At the core of EFT is the need to be vulnerable, to be able to open up to your partner and share your most intimate thoughts, and details, hopes, and dreams, allowing your partner a voice to be able to meet your unmet “emotional bids”.

With understanding and practice, the process works beautifully and I’ve since worked with hundreds of couples who have seen their relationships go to levels they never dreamed of, and almost 100% of these couples have included men.

The challenge is that vulnerability is not the default setting for most males. Men are typically raised with heavy doses of “rub a little dirt in it” or praise for the strong, silent type, the Lone Ranger, John Wayne, or for a more updated reference, Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson.

These heroes never cried. They just kicked butt, rescued the damsel in distress, and in the Duke’s case, literally rode off into the sunset.

Vulnerability was for wimps and a man’s brain is wired to think that if he opens up to his feelings, his wife will immediately do a spit take (I offer all my client’s complimentary water bottles upon arrival, I’m classy like that) and then run out of the room yelling over her shoulder, “I didn’t marry a weakling, I wanted the Terminator!” (Sorry, another dated reference.)

I’ve heard a variety of reasons why men don’t want to come to couples counselling, but the recurring reasons typically sound like one of these:

1.  “I’m going to get ganged up on, I’m basically walking into my own execution.”

2. “I don’t believe in all of that touchy-feely emotional crap.”

3. “You’re just going to tell me that it’s all my fault.”

4. “It costs a lot of money. Can’t we just read a book or watch an episode of Dr. Phil?”

5. “I’m worried that the therapist won’t have complimentary water.” (See, I already have that one covered)

At the core of all the reasons and excuses that I’ve heard over the years, there is a fear of the man having to be vulnerable.

Men typically don’t voluntarily try to tap into feelings that rarely surface on their own

These are feelings that only come out at the end of any family movie where an animal is reunited with its owner (shout out to Air Bud, I’ll never forget!), anytime a childhood-favourite sports franchise wins (or loses) a championship game, or when you open the doughnut box and someone has, in fact, eaten the last chocolate sprinkle even though you left a sticky note on top of the box and all you really wanted after your workout was a chocolate sprinkle doughnut (but no, I’m not bitter!).

But the truth is, I have yet to experience a couple’s session when the man finally did decide to “buy in” and be vulnerable and his wife didn’t nearly burst into tears. And not tears of “Get this guy out of here!” but tears of “Finally, there’s that guy I’ve always wanted, one that I can actually communicate with on a deeper level than whether or not his sports team won last weekend!”

How to convince your husband to go to couples counselling

So, now, you want to know how to convince your husband to go to couples counselling.

Well, there’s always leaving a trail of bacon into the counsellor’s office (I recommend giving the counsellor a heads up so they can lay down some plastic; the good bacon leaves stains). But better yet, I recommend that the wife model that same vulnerability that will come into play in effective couples counselling.

“I can understand your hesitation, but I want to assure you that I know you’re not completely to blame (even if he is), and I appreciate your willingness to come with me.”

There’s no harm in reaching out to a counsellor in advance. You can ask them what counselling methods they use, what would they say to a husband who is hesitant to come to therapy, and do they have bacon?

I, regularly, have had women express in the first session that their husband is not particularly sold on counselling or doesn’t believe it will work.

As a counsellor, I appreciate that type of information and a good counsellor will address a comment like that with empathy and understanding, and they will be aware of the triggers that may lead to the husband shutting down or disengaging from the counselling process.

Look, I’m a counsellor. Obviously, I feel that it works. I currently see around 15 to 20 couples a week and there is nothing quite like seeing a man recognise the benefits of counselling and watching their marriages grow.

So, I believe that sort of lying to your husband to get him to go to therapy, getting him in the door is worth the effort. I often see couples who say that they wish they had come to counselling years before, but she wanted him to want to go or he felt like she was always nagging him about it.

I like to say that somebody has to “come out of their bunker” first, and in this case, it may, in fact, have to be the woman.

Express to your husband how important it is to you, be vulnerable, and once he’s inside the counselling office, you may need to help him express his hesitation for coming

Be sure to give the counsellor the data upfront. Remember, they are a pro so they’ll know what to do to help put him at ease.

And if you don’t feel comfortable with your counsellor after a few sessions, find another. That’s part of the business; the relationship between the client and the counsellor is imperative for success. Find a good fit and then watch the magic happen.

And once he’s at ease and sees how effective counselling can be once he’s vulnerable, you’ll eventually be the one fighting him for aromatic soap!

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