No, there’s no such thing as hugging your child too much

For many, hugging an older child is viewed as a way of making them soft and dependent.

Mom Ashley Swain opened up about her frustrations about comments she hears from people who see her hug her four-year-old son, CJ. “You are spoiling him. He’s got to toughen up and be a man,” is often what she hears from other parents.

Traditional parenting is of the view that four-year-old children should not be held. According to the co-founder of Conscious Parenting South Africa and parent coach, Clare Emms: “Traditional views of parenting were not based on the brain research we have now.”

Now, there is a better understanding of brain development and the need for children to receive physical contact with their parents, regardless of their age.

On her Facebook post which has gone viral with 70,000 shares, Ashley says: “I’m not raising my kid on the same trauma y’all thrived on just to appear like it was for the best and made y’all stronger.”

According to Clare, “when a child is dysregulated (has a tantrum or meltdown) the common misconception was to ignore them, leave them alone until the undesirable behaviour stops and until they are now calm and happy- just the way parents want them.”

Now, parents have a better understanding that every child’s behaviour has a source and instead of dealing with the behaviour, it is better to deal with the reason why they are having a meltdown.

Clare adds that “their brains are not developed enough to understand how to regulate their nervous system without help. For some children that help is a hug. For some, it’s having validation that their feelings are okay and for others, it may be a parent standing by calmly helping them to ride the wave of their emotions which are completely out of their control.”

This is the opposite of traditional parenting as we know it, requiring parents to give the child some time out to think about their behaviour, which conscious parenting now teaches is not possible.

Ashley says a lot of adults are “unforgiving, mean and hostile, and in need of therapy” because they did not get hugs growing up.

Clare shares a list of some of the benefits of hugging, which include:

• Increases brain development
• Improves immunity
• Lowers cortisol levels in the body
• Improves parent-child bond
• Leads to happier kids

This list is not gender-specific, and boy parents should not limit how often or how publically they hug their kids for fear of making them “soft”.

“A young boy who is taught to express emotion, understand his emotions and be comfortable with physical touch – because his parents model that for him – will become a man who knows how to respect other’s emotions and become resilient and empowered in the face of adversity,” Clare says.

Hugging should never be misconstrued as a reward for good behaviour, because it will be in  shortfall in the homes of children whose parents do not have a good understanding of their child’s overall development.

Children need hugs, so hug them now before they are too old and think you are not cool enough for an embrace.