Breaking the shouting cycle: How to connect with children through communication

Do you sit on your ears? That is often a question that parents and teachers ask children or wonder aloud when they just does not want to hear. In response to the apparent deaf ears, voices are raised, gestures become bolder, and, in many instances, zero results remain. 

But there is a different approach, said body language and behavioural expert David Allen. He often coaches parents and teachers about the art of employing body language and a different tone of voice and vocabulary to get results.

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And he said, it works, because how an instruction is communicated, can make the world of difference. 

“When you’re raising your voice, you want to gain a child’s attention. You want them to listen,” said Allen. “But what shouting does instead, is the opposite.”

He said that it activates fight or flight mode, whether physically or emotionally.

“This results in the blank stares and glassed-over expressions that are returned in response to a raised voice. Parents and teachers might feel that the child is not listening, but in fact, they are simply not present in response to shouting,” he said. 

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There is nothing wrong with leveraging a raised voice for a moment though, he said. But a return to a friendlier tone, quickly, can avoid disconnects. 

Allen recommended behaving counter intuitively in some instances. By lowering the tone of your voice and being deliberate, but not threatening, with gestures, it is possible to solicit a far better response from a child. 

There is a nuanced relationship between language and thought, said Allen.

“We are all wired to digest implanted thoughts, and that impacts our behaviours. Children are no different. When a teacher exits the classroom, for example, and tells the kids not to make a noise… What is the first thing they would do? Become a bit raucous.”

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In its stead, he suggested that a softer tone of voice will set the mood and using phrases like “please maintain the quiet” or “let us keep our focus” would be much more effective. 

He shared an experience from a hiking trip with his daughter, illustrating how he avoided directly addressing her complaints about the hike’s difficulty. Instead, he employed positive reinforcement about nature’s beauty and the appreciation thereof.

This strategy, Allen pointed out, mirrors the techniques used by skilled negotiators to avoid planting negative seeds in discussions. By reframing situations in a positive light, parents can guide their children’s thoughts and emotions more constructively.

This method of positive reinforcement, he argued, is effective in parenting and in classroom environments, fostering a more cooperative and nurturing atmosphere.

Add to tone of voice and content a measure of positive body language, he said.

“Keep gestures around the torso and midsection, not lower, not higher. Use open palm movement instead of pointing fingers. Keep your voice down and encourage rather than command.”

Allen explored how children react to criticism and suggested a “compliment sandwich” technique, where constructive criticism is nestled between two positive remarks.

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This approach, he explained, helps mitigate the “fight or flight” response often triggered by lone-standing criticism and suggested that excessive criticism can lead to a child disengaging.

The “compliment sandwich” is not merely a method to soften criticism, but a sophisticated strategy to ensure that feedback is received in a balanced and effective manner.

“It sets a tone of support, with criticism framed as a part of a broader positive narrative. Such an approach ensures that feedback is not interpreted as a blanket criticism of a child’s character, but rather as a specific area for improvement,” said Allen. 

The long-term benefits of positive communication in parenting, by consistently using affirmative language and constructive feedback paired with non-threatening body language, parents can instil a growth mindset and a measure of resilience in their children.

This mindset encourages children to view challenges and criticisms as stepping stones for personal development, rather than as threats to their self-esteem.

Allen noted that toning down and opening up also aids in implementing greater empathy in parenting.

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“Parents must always endeavour to understand and resonate with their children’s feelings and perspectives. This empathetic approach, coupled with effective communication techniques, can significantly strengthen the parent-child bond,” he added.

“This along with the nuanced use of body language and tone, together with strategic language choices, forms a roadmap for fostering positive, constructive, and empowering interactions with children.”