No! I don’t want to see your junk!

It’s Monday night. You’ve just finished preparing a moderately edible plant-based dish for #meatfreemonday. You feel as though you are on the summit of the self-righteous mountain and doing your bit for the environment. You hit the couch and grab your phone. Social media needs to know about your “heal the world” meal and you are going to deliver – but wait, what’s this?

Something has slid into your DMs. Slurping a buckwheat noodle, you tap the appropriate app icon and enter the mailbox domain. Maybe it’s that power couple travelling the world who are currently in Thailand. They love a good double tap, as do I, or maybe someone has hearted that dog account I love so much. But no, a new message request? Oooh fun! Who could this be?

You accept while spearing an over-rated piece of kimchi into your mouth. And there, like a piece of hair in your mouth, back stares a phallus. The details are inconsequential. My question is why … why do men get a thrill from having their junk checked out by an unassuming account holder?

Is there some blue-tick thrill they get knowing that their member has been ogled by a shell-shocked broad? Or are they secretly envisioning their victim rampantly getting naked and using this vision, this digitally wrapped gift as a source of boundless pleasure – one which you have so generously provided, fine dick pic taker!

The answer when one looks at stats is a resounding “No!”, and online dating platforms are taking note.

Recently, Bumble – one such dating app where the female has the final say in approving or denying the automated potential daters posed to her – implemented a “privates detector”. According to the New York post, “the algorithm-based tool will help regulate unwanted genital shots by blurring pics pegged as naked and giving recipients the option to view them or not”.

Additionally, “Bumble founder and CEO Whitney Wolfe Herd is working with Texas lawmakers to prevent sexually suggestive pics by criminalising the practice.”

Being of the heterosexual persuasion, and having encountered this violation before, I asked a gay friend of mine what his thoughts were on receiving unprompted images. His feedback was similar to mine.

However, he says, he has been surprised at times. The strangest he’s ever received was a very very hairy one in a male chastity belt. Yes I googled this! Yes, it’s as hectic as it sounds! NSFW (not safe for work!)

Being the unknowing victim of this ambush regardless of your orientation isn’t fair. Fortunately, I have an armchair approach to fiends like this.

Do not engage – this perpetrator thrives on attention and interaction, full stop. Block and delete, in my opinion, is the only reliable cock block, rendering the perpetrator impotent. Then move along.

Oh, one more thing I feel re-establishes your digital power … screenshot and share with your bestie. Usually those comments are far more entertainment-worthy than my inbox.

Slurping the dregs of my feast while simultaneously grabbing the last tinkie from the box that I’ve devoured I put my feet up and wait…

Her response, you ask?

“Babe, it’s no longer meat free Monday.”

Lauri-Leah Momberg hosts a sex talk show on Mix 93.8FM

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