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This article is part of I Need To Know, a Q&A service for teenagers by The Conversation. Find out how to submit your questions at the end of this article.
My girlfriend was brought up in a conservative family and is intimidated by sex. She enjoys sex but flinches if I initiate. I’m starting to lose a lot of self confidence as a result.
Anonymous
Thank you for the question. Simply put, being in a relationship can be complex and unfortunately there can be too little, or no real guidance on how to make a relationship work effectively. Discussing sex with your parents, teachers, friends and family members might make you feel embarrassed, or may not even be possible. This sucks because our relationships are some of the most important aspects of our lives!
Sex and sexuality are important to intimate relationships and who we are, but when you start having sex with someone new it can be scary (even for adults). For people of some religious and ethnic backgrounds there can also be shame, confusion and stigma about having sex. Keep this in mind when speaking with your girlfriend. Be open, understand her concerns and let her know you’re listening (and be sure you are listening).
Respect and communication are key to successful relationships, regardless of you or your partner’s gender. It’s important to express to our sexual partners what we are comfortable doing and when. It’s perfectly normal to feel comfortable doing something on one occasion, then not wanting to do it on another.
Not wanting to have sex or do certain acts in a relationship isn’t a failure or due to a lack of love or interest – it may feel like a blow to your confidence, but it’s just a normal part of developing a respectful relationship.
So what should you do? Start by expressly and openly talking with your girlfriend about what you are comfortable doing and when. Encourage her to do the same. It might feel weird at first (or even a little embarrassing) but having these conversations now is important. And with practice, this type of openness will only make your relationship and sex life better.
There is so much more to sex than penetrative intercourse, but that is what many people assume is “sex”. Oral sex, mutual masturbation, rubbing, foreplay, are just some of the alternatives and equally satisfying – you might find this article from Archer Magazine useful.
First and foremost, sex should be enjoyable, comfortable and satisfying for both your girlfriend and you. And the key to getting to that stage is talking!
If you’re a teenager and have a question you’d like answered by an expert, you can:
Please tell us your name (you can use a fake name if you don’t want to be identified), age and which city you live in. Send as many questions as you like! We won’t be able to answer every question, but we will do our best.
David Rhodes, Senior Lecturer, School of Education, Edith Cowan University
This article is republished from The Conversation under a Creative Commons license. Read the original article.
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