Managing your child’s back-to-school fears of being a bully victim

Among the many discussions anticipating back to school, my 15-year-old and I spoke about what he looks forward to most.

He was very enthusiastic in saying his friends, and of course his lunch boxes. He also looks forward to fewer chores at home – since going to school means less mess in the house. Reasonable right?

But the conversation was very emotional when we spoke about what he does not look forward to.

He told me that because they are not returning to school wearing their uniforms, he worries that he does not have clothes that will match his friends’. He does not wear labels and if he does, they are fake labels.

I laughed it off and told him that he was over-thinking, and that if that is what their thinking process is, then most of his friends are probably thinking the same, so no worries.

But that got me thinking, it got me really worried

I started thinking about how for adolescents, but children in general, the anxiety of returning to school could actually be more about the fear of bullies and the act of bulling or being bullied, than about contracting coronavirus.

I thought of what many children will go through in their friends’ hands, but also in the hands of teachers and administrators or other children. I thought of how much pressure this would put on parents and caregivers, some of whom like me, have lost their source of income.

Then I decided to put my thoughts in an article.

My second book, Trapped in our Shadows, speaks about a mother who consistently copies her friend to the extent that she grooms her daughter to do exactly what the friend’s daughter does.

The two friends and the two daughters became so similar that both the general public and the media could not differentiate between them in behaviours, actions and even looks.

The book is not about bullying per say. However, what it had in common with bullying (as will be portrayed in this article) is that it speaks of the importance of self-identities.

Bullying, or the act of using force, coercion, or threat, to abuse, aggressively dominate or intimidate someone happens when there is difference.

So too does copying or competitiveness. In both cases, how the parties handle themselves and go through their situation is of importance.

Let us look at the forms of bullying that will be expected from (and by) our children as they return to school post lockdown:

Their weight – many children would have gained weight, either naturally because they grow, or because they were home eating themselves to life during lockdown. Bullies may hit them on this and consciously or not, they may act out negatively. Watch out.

Their looks – of course either due to weight gain, weight loss, growth spurt, stress and depression, or even sickness that would have befallen some during these 10 weeks, they may return to school looking different. Again, they may be preyed on by bullies. Watch out.

Their clothes – if your children’s school is like mine where they are returning with no uniforms, then the pressure on your child may become so heavy that the bullies will make them hate school. Watch out.

The shoes – pressures on shoes and bags have always been there. But for many schools, colours and style had limited children from showing off. With no uniforms, the bully is able to tell your child to rather come to school without shoes and bags, than wear what you thought was a good buy. Watch out.

The mask – they say fabric masks are the best, but all types are hitting the shelves. The bully will not find it funny that your child did not fit in by choosing the most popular mask in school. They will make your child reject their mask. Watch out.

The sanitiser – did you proudly pack a mini sized sanitiser in your child’s school bag after properly training them on how to safely use them? Well done to you I say. But be mindful. Your child may come back to say that their sanitiser is either not well packaged or wrongly packaged. The bully always has something to say. Watch out.

The hand washing – many children may face rejection from their peers for the way they wash their hands, or because it is assumed that they are not doing so. This is okay. but not for the bully who is capable of making your child feel worthless for same. Watch out.

The cough or sneeze – of course children will cough and sneeze. My 8-year-old told me that his only worry about going to school is not that he will catch the virus, but that each time he coughs or sneezes, people may run away from him thinking that he has coronavirus. Does this make sense to you? Imagine what the bully will do. Watch out.

The transport – I asked myself how children who are driven to school will treat those who get to school via public transport. While many may have concerns on whether these children will escape catching the coronavirus, the bully is concerned about how to take advantage, and make this learner feel like a loner, and a loser. Watch out.

The origin of the virus – my son speaks about children of Asian descent, but particularly those who recently migrated to this country. He speaks of a boy in their school who wore masks before they became aware of the coronavirus. He is worried about why the boy did not warn them of the imminent appearance of the virus, and wondered how this child will be treated when schools open. For the bully, it will boil down to the child’s race and where the virus originated. Watch out.

While it is easy to always look at the bullies, parents should also focus their attention on whether they have a bully in their house. They should speak to their children to see if they are bullied – or are the bullies.

Signs that a child is being bullied

For a child who is being bullied, they may notice that their mate is taking their friends away, spreading rumours about them, threatening and intimidating them, stealing from them, hitting, punching, pushing, biting, or shoving them, calling them names, humiliating them and making things up about them that would get them into trouble.

And your child is the bully if they are the one performing any of these on a friend or mate.

Teach your children how to be introspective and make sure that they are not bullies by asking themselves the following questions:

Am I a bully? What made me a bully? Who do I bully? How does bullying make me feel? Can I stop? They can seek help from you or from school.

If you child is being bullied, how do you get help?

• Help them to get help. Just tell them to start by telling someone like a mate or friend, parent, teacher, sibling or relative.
• Tell them to stay away from the bully during break and lunchtime and to always be among other learners.
• Schools have procedures to follow, starting with writing. If your child is old enough, let them write it down exactly as it happens.
• Some of these acts could be on mobile phones. Take them as seriously as face-to-face and report them as well.
• Remind your child that even if they are a witness to someone being bullied, they have to follow the above procedures. Meaning, that they should report it to someone. They must not speak to the bully.
• Advise then to make friends with anyone who is being bullied and not join the bully.

Many children are going back to school  but even those studying online may be bullied electronically for staying home

So, all I have to say right now is that as your family psychologist, it is your place to build or break your children when things are in your hands. Bullying is a very difficult experience for children of all ages.

The bullied lose their self and are constantly afraid. They feel degraded and as worthless as the bully makes them feel. They might even want to stop going to school in fear of encountering the bully.

Many children who are bullied ask themselves if they can do anything right. It is up to you as their parents to make sure that this question does not idle in their minds. Respond with a “YES! You can make everything right”.

As your family communicator, know the above circumstances that may expose your children to be bullies or be bullied, and prepare them by building identities of self-worth in them. Do not wait for bullying to happen and for your children to be Trapped in their Own Shadows.

Victorine Mbong Shu

Victorine Mbong Shu has been in education and training since 2002. She is the CEO of Profounder Intelligence Management Services, a Peak Performance Authority Coach, Editor, Publisher, Researcher, Transformational Speaker, Material Developer, Facilitator, Assessor and Moderator. She is the Co-owner of Profound Conference Centre in Bramley-JHB. Victorine and Dr. Fru are raising 4 bubbly children, including Child Prodigy, Africa’s youngest international multiple award-winning bestselling author of chapter books, 13-year-old Stacey Fru. A PhD fellow in Communications herself, Victorine is a respectable Involved Parenting Conversationalist. She is a BrandSA Ambassador and Award-winning author.

Follow her on all social media by searching @Mbongshu or www.mbongshu.co.za

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