It’s back to school time

Five joyous words

It’s the most wonderful time of the year…

I’m not referring to the simultaneous commencement of the cacophony of Boney M and Mariah Christmas classics at your local mall iteration.

Nor the tinsel-ification of the point of sale collateral at your nearest Woolies.

It isn’t the unearthing of the daily choccie from the tinfoily earth of the advent calendar, like you’re a cocoa palaeontologist.

For *parents, or as I prefer to tag us, we are mere sherpas to vertically challenged, irate customers who don’t have the decency (or the means) to pay; dragging our feet through hot sands, balancing infinite kilograms of beach paraphernalia (umbrellas, bags, bats, balls), Disney-princess-painted armbands, sunscreen, and zombie-ing our way to a one square metre mirage of shade that inevitably flees once we unload to claim our temporary territory.

*When you are rolling with an eight-year-old and toddlers who are separated in age by a mere 13 months (two and a half and one and a half respectively), a society of experts surrounding you will serve continuous cliches that were never requested: “Enjoy it while it lasts. They’ll be teenagers before you know it. These are such special times.”

‘Special’ isn’t the adjective you opt for when you are in the trenches. Whispered expletives are preferred when you are on hands and knees in the dark, stretching out in desperation to read the braille of a Tommy Tippee teat.

Why crawl when you are perfectly capable – and evolved – of walking upright? Because: Google “shark stepping on a Lego” meme. 

The hardest part about parenting is never being able to use the phrase “I’m not a morning person” – for perpetuity. The vertically challenged, irate customers will pry open your eyelids and have you in a pool or atop a jungle gym before even the most ardent hadeda has been able to unleash its first haa-haa-haa-de-dah across Gauteng.

Kids are born with built-in hangover detectors and Swiss timing chips. Just have ‘one more’ at your peril, because regardless of the good time you are having at night, it is disproportionate to the streaming-tears emoji you’ll be enduring when the Netflix-streaming proponent of Peppa Pig is oinking orders at you.

The Festive Season is about family – mostly it’s about our kids and we have to overcompensate to eradicate the parent guilt we have for working on our respective day jobs and side hustles throughout the year – and for all of the challenges we face as a country, South Africa is truly united, from mid-December to mid-January, in the belief that we should encourage niceties over naughtiness, that it’s ok for ageing silver tops to don red suits and listen to children’s commercial desires, and for us to reflect on our prior year with a view to achieving greater things the following year.  

If you haven’t already, pack away the green plastic Chinese Christmas tree and associated baubles, embrace the gridlock and let these five words be the mantra to return joy to your world:  ‘It’s. Back. To. School. Time’.

Amen.

Mike Sharman

Mike is the co-founder of Retroviral – a creative digital agency that has made more brands ‘go viral’ than any other agency in Africa. He is also co-founder of Webfluential and Retroactive. Mike was named one of the Mail & Guardian’s top 200 young (under 35) South Africans in 2013.

Mike is also a bestselling author with his debut entrepreneurial title – The Best Dick – as he believes we should all strive to be the best at what we do, not the biggest.

Twitter handle: @mikesharman