In 2017 I found out I was pregnant with my third child. I was already 16 weeks pregnant when I went to the gynaecologist so you can imagine the kind of surprise this was for me. I wouldn’t say I was upset or sad about the news but I was a little taken aback because I was looking forward to an international trip for 6 weeks in USA on a leadership programme. Since I had been pregnant twice before, I understood the sacrificial implications of growing a baby in your body. I can’t eat this, I can’t zip up my boots, I can’t drive comfortably, I can’t be myself emotionally and now I can’t even pursue something I’ve been dreaming of for years. I quickly got over the international trip and started enjoying the pregnancy until a life shifting moment occurred and before I knew it I would go to sleep in tears every night.
It didn’t help that physically I was struggling because this was my biggest baby and it took a toll on my body so this was also my toughest. I was a complete mess. By month 8 I was telling whoever cared to listen not to have babies. The words stemmed from being in pain. Emotionally, physically and psyclogically. One day I felt like scooping my tummy off my body and laying it on the ground.
I was suffering with depression badly. Something I had never felt before and even after the pregnancy. Because of my personality type I only spoke to 1 person and that was not enough. For the first time I saw a Psychologist and a therapist and needed both to help me cope. I stayed in hospital for a week to recover and eventually needed to leave because I was in school and had to go back. I showed up in other spaces most days radiating but inside was a big, dark hole. I remember telling my friend that for the first time I don’t have a connection with my unborn baby. Being aware of that and admitting it to someone made me feel worse.
I’m a believer in sharing stories but allow me to be vague and archive the details offline. I don’t know if I’ll ever be ready to openly share this chapter of my life. A conversation I can only have with you if you’ve been through the same and know the meaning of what it does to your soul because you would receive it with depth.
Something happened when I gave birth to him though. The physical manifestation was a direct reflection of the spiritual manifestation. An unseen change manifested. Although the events of life did not change, there was a birth. A new beginning.
Through demolishing there was reconstruction. When my spirit was diminishing he increased me. Now, my “Fanta Orange” has given me a whole new meaning to Grace. I was very close to naming him Mohau, but he built my soul up from inside out, hence he is MOAGI. A BUILDER. His second name ATANG. In my interpretation: EXPAND/ABUNDANCE.
It took me being right at the edge for the expanding to take place and in true nature style, after the storm there has been an abundance of rainbows.
I find it strange that I am the only person I know in my circle that has spoken about prenatal depression. However, since sharing my story I’ve had a lady in my DM’s expressing that she has suicidal thoughts. All I can say is don’t waste time. Get professional help. You will be better with time.
Instagram handle: @growingseedsa and Youtube: Puseletso Tsotetsi
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