How to be a better friend

At the core of every friendship is the concept of self-disclosure, which occurs when one person reveals something personal to another. Self-disclosure is the building block of intimacy and usually leads to the other person revealing something personal as well. If you feel that a friendship lacks a true connection, ask yourself how much you’ve revealed to your friend, and how much he or she has revealed back to you.

A number of studies show that we form deeper connections when we reveal our opinions and feelings rather than just basic facts about our lives. The behavioural economist Dan Ariely conducted an experiment in which online daters were forced to discuss personally revealing topics, choosing from a list of questions that included “How many romantic partners did you have?” and “How do you feel about abortion?”

The resulting conversations were more lively than when daters picked their own topics, and everyone was happier with the conversation.

Self-disclosure is the concept behind the now-famous “36 Questions to Fall in Love,” which gained popularity after being featured in a Modern Love column in The New York Times.

The column was based on a study called “The Experimental Generation of Interpersonal Closeness,” led by Arthur Aron, a scientist at State University of New York at Stony Brook. Dr. Aron was not trying to help people fall in love; instead his goal was to create closeness between two strangers in a laboratory setting for research purposes.

Knowing that self-disclosure fosters closeness, the researchers theorised that they could accelerate the process with a 45-minute series of personal questions, each more revealing than the last. They soon learned that their questionnaire had worked better than planned after numerous reports of ongoing closeness between the pairs in the study — including one couple who got married.

According to the study, “One key pattern associated with the development of a close relationship among peers is sustained, escalating, reciprocal, personal self-disclosure.”

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