How the death of a loved one impacts children

As more people experience the tumultuous Covid-19 Delta wave, more and more children are having to be told of the loss of a loved one but how does death and funerals affect children?

These types of distressing news, plus the following arrangements and burial may be a tedious and emotional journey for adults, but it is also an emotional rollercoaster for children. This is more difficult for those experiencing death for the first time.

ALSO SEE: How to tell your child a loved one has passed away

According to certified Hand in Hand Parenting instructor Kelly van Rooyen, when children do not fully understand loss, anxiety can loom.

This can be one of the factors that contribute to some behavioural changes in children during and after a funeral.

If they were close to the person and all the planning and proceedings take place in their presence, those disruptions may lead to anxiety for them.

“As soon as the child picks up any kind of disruption in the relationship, separation anxiety is one of the first things they will go through,” says Van Rooyen. The emotional unavailability of a busy and grieving guardian is the main contributor to this.

“Grief takes you away from your child.” she says.

Some children may experience sleep and toilet issues and their appetites can be distracted. The biggest changes, however, may manifest in their behaviour.

Parents should, therefore, expect changes in a child’s behaviour and understand that it might be linked to an emotion they cannot vocalise in the way adults can.

Feeling like your parent is not available for you, combined with being surrounded by crying and grieving parents can induce fear and anxiety in a child. They fear they will lose someone else they love, especially their parents.

If the loss is traumatic, a child experiences abandonment issues that causes them to fear losing important people in their life.

Your child will have more tantrums than usual “and small issues will become big issues,” Van Rooyen says.

“She will hate how you gave her water with the plain cup instead of the flowery one.

“This looks like a demanding child that needs to be taught that you can’t always get what you want. It is not that. It is a child experiencing grief they are not emotionally equipped to process.”

Grief is not conventional in children. Kelly says children will not sit and cry over a photo album of their lost loved one like adults. They cannot sit and reminisce to try to curb the sadness.

They will not know how to process it, which manifests into unusual behavior for many children.

What parents can do to help

Kelly advises parents to make space for emotion. Seeing past a silly tantrum is important. You then don’t disregard how they are feeling by shining a light on the behaviour alone. Helping them recognise that what they are feeling is sadness and it is okay to be sad will help with emotional regulation in them. Naming an emotion is a big step in managing it.

Parents should reach out for support

Parents must find an outlet during their time of grief. This is the person they will talk to to help and support them through this difficult time. This will help you be a lot more present for your child than is normally possible during grief. Pent-up emotions reduce one’s capacity to accommodate much, including making time to play with your child.

Parents should be honest with their children about their emotions. Telling your children that you are sad and allowing them to see your vulnerability is important. As you experience the emotion with your child, explain to them how you are feeling and that it is normal.

It is surprising how often they get it.

Increase the playtime

Laughing is an antidote to pain for many and children are the same. The language of play speaks to them more than most things do, so try to squeeze in some playtime with them whenever possible. One-on-one time, even for 10-minutes, has the power of increasing connections with a child.

This is also a good way of reminding them that you are there for them, because they might be fearing you are not.

Prepare them

When it comes to burials, some children might be stepping into completely new territory. Being surrounded by sad and crying people might be emotionally overwhelming. Van Rooyen says “parents would explain that there are going to be big feelings there and there are going to be a lot of people crying”.

Parents should also teach them that crying is good and helps people process their emotions and let out the feelings instead of harbouring them.

Support them during the funeral

“Lots of physical contact is important during the funeral,” Kelly says. Remind your child you are there for them and support them, especially when you can see they are being overwhelmed.