Does the ‘only have sex after three dates’ rule still apply?

The timeline of dating and intimacy has become even more blurred as society has moved to a value set that focuses more on individual preference than mass acceptance or social prescripts.

But the ultimate question everyone still asks themselves is: when is the right moment for courtship – to move from opposites at a restaurant table to between the sheets.

Sex Educator, Lisa Welsh says it remains a perplexing question and said that there is no one-size-fits-all answer, as there is no fixed timeline.

So when is the right time to have sex?

“It really depends on so many different factors. It can be a personal decision and it requires communication, consent, and mutual understanding between partners. It all comes down to your own individual comfort levels, your own sexual experiences and preferences, your value systems, your motivations… and the same goes for the person on the other side,” says Welsh.

Given the prevalence of online dating and ‘sexting’, where heated conversations can precede a first physical meeting, Welsh says this tends not to fast-track intimacy though.

“No matter what has been said over text, there is no obligation to do that in real life. Sexting is its own world… but when it gets down to it in real life, it’s different.”

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Four prerequisites before moving to a sexual relationship

Welsh says there remain prerequisites prior to moving into a sexual relationship and laid out four key areas: individual value systems, personal motivations, sexual preferences and experiences, and most importantly, the consent of both partners.

Reflecting on your values, motivations, and experiences is paramount to understanding your own comfort levels. Welsh stressed, “If it is because the other person wants to, then that is a red flag”.

Moreover, this process isn’t limited to personal introspection. She said it requires having open and candid conversations about expectations, desires, boundaries, and limits with your prospective partner.

Once a mutual understanding is established and “everyone’s autonomy is taken into account, everyone’s preferences and timelines… That is when you know you can move forward with enthusiastic consent,” she suggested.

Contrary to what we often see in movies, where a wink from the other side of the room quickly escalates to a night of passion, consent isn’t a one-time deal, it’s an ongoing process.

“In the movies, there’s no consent conversation… they just catch each other’s eye and then the next thing you know, they are ripping each other’s clothes off. It just does not work like that in the real world,” explains Welsh.

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Sexual cues to look out for

There are cues to look out for though, because courtship and sexual relationships do not have to be clinical discussions alone. Welsh says that non-verbal cues can play a crucial role in understanding whether your partner is ready for the next step.

“Touch can give you a good indicator of where things are going… Do they lean in? Did they enjoy the touch? Are they reciprocating?” However, even if you think you’re getting all of the right signals, Welsh points out that “you still need to be sure that you have enthusiastic consent before you move towards a more physical connection”.

Of course, there is no such thing as a traditional couple anymore, but Welsh says that the rules of engagement remain the same for all forms of relationships, whether throuples, group situations, and other coupling configurations.

“Everybody needs to be respecting everybody’s individual autonomy and boundaries and preferences… As long as everybody is happy and enthusiastically consenting, then it’s green for go,” says Welsh.

Intimacy and sex can be wonderful, enriching parts of a relationship, but their introduction should never be rushed or forced. As Welsh suggested, taking the time to understand your own feelings, as well as your partner’s, single or multiple, is key to ensuring that this step is taken at the right time and for the right reasons.