Default parent? Here’s how to lighten the load

You’ve likely empathised with your friend’s complaints about their tween’s sudden cheekiness, just as they’ve sympathised with your own child’s procrastination. However, an equally challenging side of parenting, rarely spoken of, is the mental load of tasks like packing lunchboxes, replacing outgrown clothes, and other chores necessary for keeping children healthy and happy.

These chores contribute to your mental load, which counselling psychologist Nkateko Ndala‑Magoro defines as “your capacity to make decisions daily”. Consider this: after your first attempt to wake your kids fails, you try again. Then it’s time for breakfast. One child can’t find school socks, while the other forgot to have their homework signed.

Finally, when you’ve piled them into the car (running late, of course), they mention today’s play practice. In isolation, these incidents aren’t particularly stressful. But, occurring one after the other, they create a massive sense of being overwhelmed, Nkateko explains.

The default parent

This is especially true when you are the parent your children automatically turn to when they need either practical assistance or emotional support: the default parent. This is typically the parent children feel is most nurturing, although accessibility is also key.

Avoiding feeling overwhelmed

While mental load is an unavoidable part of life, the problem for default parents is that the load can become so great that they feel incapacitated. You may have experienced this if you have found that you cannot remember simple things or struggle to make decisions, things you would usually take in stride.

Lightening the load

It’s important to address your mental load before being overwhelmed consumes you, Ndala-Magoro points out, because it is a major contributor to stress. This can lead to physical symptoms like headaches, sleeplessness, irritability, depression, constant worrying, and an inability to focus, all of which will make that mental load feel like an even greater burden.

Worse still, stress can eventually lead to burnout.

Practical tips

• Simplify meal planning

Remove the challenge of deciding what’s for dinner by creating a weekly menu based on rotating meals (such as Macaroni Monday and Tacos Tuesday). This simplifies planning and shopping. If possible, sign up for a meal delivery service or order healthy pre-made meals once or twice a week.

• Streamline wardrobe choices

Buy fewer, simple clothing items that are easy to mix and match for both you and your children. This reduces the time spent deciding what to wear.

• Delegate tasks

If you have someone who helps look after the kids, assign them tasks that would otherwise take up too much time and attention. If not, enlist friends and family members to help with tasks like giving lifts. Don’t be afraid to ask for help when you need it!

Introspective strategies

Sometimes, the solution isn’t purely practical. It requires introspection to uncover whether you might unwittingly be creating your own problem. For example, many people turn down help from their partners because they feel the task won’t be performed properly, thus creating extra work for themselves. Lower your expectations, Ndala-Magoro advises. “Remember, it doesn’t have to be perfect. It just has to get done.”

Recognising and addressing the impact

Recognising the impact of stress and mental load is crucial. Here are a few more strategies to help manage and reduce your stress:

• Mindfulness and relaxation techniques

Practicing mindfulness or relaxation techniques like yoga, meditation, or deep breathing exercises can help manage stress and improve mental clarity.

• Seek professional help

If you find the mental load overwhelming, consider speaking to a psychologist or counsellor.

• Create a support network

Building a strong support network of friends, family, or even a parenting group can provide emotional support and practical help.

• Prioritise self-care

Ensure you are taking time for yourself to engage in activities you enjoy. Self-care can be as simple as reading a book, taking a bath, or going for a walk. This helps recharge your mental and emotional batteries.

Managing the mental load of parenting is a crucial aspect of maintaining overall well-being. By implementing practical strategies and seeking support when needed, parents can lighten their mental load, reduce stress, and create a balanced and fulfilling family life.