Ethical non-monogamy: Playing the sex field ethically

Streaming television offers loads of documentaries about polygamy, usually from a religious or philosophical point of view. And every now and then there are a few shows that include threesomes, foursomes and partner swopping. But there’s more to sex than simply getting it on.

Multiple sex partners while maintaining a primary relationship does not have to take place in parking lots and seedy hotels, in secret. It can be done in the open, and does not have to be about doing the ‘dirty’ when sex with many can become an honest lifestyle.

“But it’s not a license to cheat,” said sexual wellness and lifestyle coach Lindiwe Rasekoala.

Ethical non-monogamy is a consensual multi-partner lifestyle where an individual can be linked romantically or sexually to more than one partner.

You might love your permanent partner deeply, but, have a need for a sidebar of adventure and sex-fun. Perhaps both partners need external stimulation. And there are many permutations of a free-love free sex kind of relationship.

“Ethical monogamy is not cheating,” emphasised Rasekoala.

She said that it is only cheating if it is done in secret without the permission or agreement of a permanent partner. She added: “Each relationship has its own guidelines and rules, and it could vary wildly.”

One polyamorous relationship could vary from the next ad there is no blanket approach to what might work for a couple or not. Communication, as always, is critically important. And jealousy is the wild card that always lingers in the shadows.

Rasekoala said: “It should not be a tit for tat approach where you take the consent, run with it, and just do whatever you please. You have to care, and care deeply about your permanent partner’s feelings and state of being at all times.”

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She said: “Basically, ethical non-monogamy is an open relationship. Ethical non-monogamy is an umbrella term. And there’s different terms or different acts that fall under that umbrella term. One of them is polyamory, which is being with multiple sex partners with the consent of your primary partner. Then there is polygamy, which is being married to multiple partners, also with the consent of your partner.”

There’s also polyandry, she said, which is when women have multiple husbands. She said: “Women can do it, too. And then there is polygamy, which is when men have multiple partners or multiple wives. So ethical non-monogamy is not an excuse to just go out and have sex with lots of people. It’s actually a lot tougher than monogamy, purely based on the fact that it really requires openness, transparency and complete honesty.”

Rasekoala noted: “It’s not something that you can just decide on doing. It does take a lot of trust and communication, but it’s not impossible.”

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There are tons of support groups and communities of like-minded people throughout South Africa and the world, and a lot of support and discourse can be found online about sex. This could serve as a reference or a point of departure for any couple considering a change in sexual lifestyle or to seek out support when the going gets tough in any one of the relationship permutations.

In short, said Rasekoala, Ethical non-monogamy is about enjoying the pleasures that come with life, good sex, but with the consent of all partners involved.