Looks don’t matter: Emotional attraction trumps all

Looks don’t matter in the end. It’s an adage that holds some truth to its cliché roots.

Physical attraction might catch someone’s attention, but emotional attraction holds it for longer.

Beneath the surface of gorgeous or handsome features, how a person makes you feel has a far greater impact than eye candy or charm.

Psychologist and medical doctor Dr Jonathan Redelinghuys said that emotional attraction outweighs physical appeal because it’s authentic. “Physical beauty is fleeting,” he said.

“What endures is the way someone stirs your emotions.” It’s not about being the loudest in the room or having the most stories to tell; it’s about authenticity, empathy, and the kind of presence that makes people feel seen and heard. That’s the currency of emotional attractiveness: the ability to connect genuinely,” he said.

At work, emotional attraction can shape careers. Think about colleague who doesn’t just listen to your ideas but makes you feel like your voice matters. They’re not necessarily the most charismatic person in the office, but something about their energy draws people in.

“Individuals who are emotionally appealing tend to navigate social situations more easily,” Dr Redelinghuys shared.

“They engender trust, inspire confidence, and often find themselves in leadership roles. This is not just because of technical know-how on the job but because people naturally are drawn to them.”

Looks can fade, emotions linger

It works the same in personal relationships. But the stakes are higher here because ultimately, many of us go home to a partner.

Initial attraction can fade, but emotional resonance lingers, said Dr Redelinghuys.

“When people are in tune with their own emotions and those of others, they create a safe space for open communication and vulnerability.”

Emotional safety isn’t a throwaway term of some trendy slang, “it’s the foundation of intimacy. It’s about knowing that when you speak, the other person isn’t just waiting for their turn to talk, they’re listening to what you are saying,” said Dr Redelinghuys.

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But before anyone can radiate emotional attractiveness, so to speak, it all starts at home.

Self-awareness and understanding who you are, flaws and all, is what it’s about.

“Understanding your own emotions is of absolute importance. When you are in tune with your own feelings, you can manage them better. This in turn helps you respond thoughtfully to others,” he said and added that it doesn’t mean bottling things up or rehearsing the perfect responses.

“It means recognising your own triggers, understanding your reactions, and approaching situations with a level of emotional maturity that garners respect instead of soliciting conflict.”

Real sympathy is quieter

Combined with empathy, or the ability to empathise, and emotional attractiveness balloons.

But empathy is not stroking another and, said Dr Redelinghuys, platitudes like telling people you understand how they feel.

“It’s not about advising,” he said. “Real empathy is quieter. It’s about presence, not performance. It’s not so much about offering solutions; it’s about being present,” he said.

He added that the most powerful thing someone can do in a situation is simply to be there, fully engaged, listening without prejudice.

“When you stop trying so hard to be impressive, you often become exactly that,” he shared.

Underlining everything is authenticity. Disingenuous people can be spotted from far. When you are sincere about what you say and your motives, you create trust, Dr Redelinghuys said.

“When you’re genuine, and drop your veil or facade, you invite others to be on the same page, creating relationships grounded in honesty.”

Yet this does not mean that oversharing or baring your deepest secrets are the sauces to dress every engagement with anyone.

The magic sprinkle on top is gratitude, being thankful. This often gets lost in attempts of grandiose nature, said Dr Redelinghuys. “But all you really need to do is recognise someone’s effort and contribution and pay a sincere compliment. And do this without expecting anything in return.”

Positivity and the way in which we approach any challenge or situation, with resilience, can be very attractive to others.

“It’s not about a happy go lucky way to face the world,” Dr Redelinghuys said. “It’s about hope, and the manner in which we approach challenges, an unshakable belief that there is potential in everything.”

He added that positivity is contagious, infectious and by adopting a healthy and resilient demeanour, it becomes inevitable for others to be influenced by it.

Stress can sabotage relationships

At its opposite, emotional attractiveness can be sabotaged by things like stress.

It can cloud judgement and erode patience. Stress and feeling overwhelmed can also cause people to become reactive to anything or withdraw.

“We must try at all times not to allow stress to hijack our emotions,” Dr Redelinghuys noted.

Another devil in the detail is feedback, which is not always positive from others.

“It can be uncomfortable,” he said, “and it’s easy to dismiss criticism or to take it as a personal attack, but the emotionally attractive person sees feedback differently.” 

It’s an opportunity to see yourself through from the perspective of others and this can be invaluable for personal development, he added.

“We should embrace feedback, be curious about it and leverage it for introspective purposes. In fact, we should be thankful that others care enough to share their views.”

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