A screenshot from upcoming Showmax series 'Sex in Afrikaans' | Picture: Supplied
You have been together for a couple of months, or years, and the sparks do not fly as wildly as they have before.
The wild sex is gone and sometimes you feel as if lovemaking has become stage-managed and over-planned.
Sexual wellness coach Lindiwe Rasekoala said that there is a rule of thumb every couple should observe: “Consent, communication and consideration.”
She said that consent is the first pitstop, whereafter the latter, two, bed ideals go hand in hand and added: “There is no one set rule or blanket approach when it comes to sex because people like different things and different things will influence or will be instrumental as to whether you enjoy it or not.”
Conflict resolution also plays a significant role in desire.
She said: “How do you deal with conflict resolution? What is your conflict resolution method and what Is it that you communicate? Is it that you scream and shout to each other? Is it that you stop speaking, which are all different forms of, I would say, abuse, and which doesn’t necessarily bring progress to the relationship?”
“If your conflict resolution method is one of communication, you feel more secure in expressing what you may or may not like to your partner. And even if it’s something that they reject initially, you would still feel comfortable addressing matters with them again because they haven’t made you feel insignificant or bad for voicing your concerns,” she added.
Rasekoala said that this holds true in daily life as well as in a couple’s sex life: “Open up about your emotional intimacy, your emotional desires, your physical desires, your fantasies. And then making sure that your conflict resolution outside of the bedroom is intact because that will afford you the opportunity and the comfort to approach your partner about absolutely anything.”
Flames don’t burn without fuel, either, and no matter how wild passion was at the outset, sex can become chore-like and somewhat stale between couples.
“First of all, you must realize that there are other forms of intimacy outside of penetration, and there are other ways to keep the energy and the thrill alive without it just being all about sex. One thing that I usually recommend to the people that I coach is to find something that is usually outside of your comfort zone. Experiences doing experiences together can make you feel like your relationship is young again or it is new and exciting,” Rasekoala said.
This could take the shape of various non-sexual activities such as hiking together, a romantic dinner, other date-night ideas or doing something new and out of character, sex-wise or simply a different activity that you have not done together before.
Rasekoala suggests that insofar sex is concerned, conversations about past sexual experiences, albeit with previous lovers, could be a turn on. So too, does the sharing of fantasies.
A sexual reawakening can also be ignited by a threesome, said Rasekoala: The experience itself will bring a new level of intimacy into a relationship. There have been many couples who said they would never try it, but did, and it catapulted their sex lives to new levels. While it’s not for everyone, and certainly not for the conservative, it’s an avenue worth exploring, even as a once-off.
“I know a lot of people who have engaged in threesomes that have initially said they would never do it. But if you feel secure in your relationship and you feel like you can trust your partner to make you feel secure in the engagement itself, then you’re more likely to want to experiment with things that you may want to try, and vice versa. So, the sharing of fantasies is something that can help and engage the trust outside of the relationship, too,” she said.
Ultimately, Rasekoala said, it goes back to the simple rules of consent, communication and consideration.
Apply this to making fantasies come true in the real world, resolving conflict through communication across every aspect of your life and, importantly, considering your partner’s state of being, their fears and insecurities.
That way, the sky can be the limit in terms of what you get up to between the sheets.
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