Dating? Here’s what you need to know about ‘ghostlighting’

Imagine the scene: You start chatting with a date or a partner, and suddenly the person stops replying. Frustrated, you leave it for a while and then confront the person concerned to get some kind of explanation. But the person completely denies their behaviour and instead blames you. That’s what’s known as ghostlighting.

Ghostlighting defined

Ghostlighting is a combination of ghosting (suddenly no longer replying to messages without explanation) and gaslighting (a mental manipulation technique based on lying and distorting certain facts). It involves disappearing from a relationship overnight and blaming the other partner when called out. 

ALSO READ: Gaslighting at work – how to identify it and overcome it

Consequences

For the victim of this behaviour, ghostlighting is not without consequences.

It can lead to confusion, fixations and low self-esteem – a range of emotions that is completely calculated by the perpetrator of this toxic tactic.

Psychologist Stéphanie Sarkis told Women’s Health this behaviour involves “a series of manipulation tactics with the goal of making a person feel like they’re going crazy, or that they can’t trust themselves.”

Instead of explaining their actions, the ghostlighter focuses on the victim, giving a false excuse that will make them feel guilty or highlight one of their faults. Basically, they’re blaming the other person to absolve themselves of all responsibility. On top of this, the perpetrator shows no empathy for the suffering they may cause their partner. 

Why do people ghostlight?

According to experts, there can be several reasons for this behaviour.

Digital communications play a major role, for example. At a time when discussions are facilitated by instant messaging and dating apps, conversations can quickly become short-lived.

For Barbara Santini, a relationship expert and psychologist, interviewed by Glamour UK, this can have a dehumanizing effect.

“Our screens often dehumanize interactions. People forget there’s a real person with emotions on the other end. Plus, we live in a world of fleeting Snapchat stories and 24-hour Instagram posts. This ephemeral nature can, unfortunately, spill over to our relationships.”

But it’s also a sign of a fear of commitment. Like gophering, which is a variant of ghosting, it allows people to play for time while avoiding deep emotion, not to mention commitment.

Santini sees ghostlighting as a sign of fear or vulnerability.

“Commitment requires vulnerability. Ghostlighting allows individuals to escape the weight of emotional depth, opting for superficiality instead.”

So if you see signs of this tactic with your partner, experts advise ending the relationship as soon as possible. You need to move on, and not think you’re to blame because only the perpetrator of ghoslighting is responsible.

To find the right partner, don’t hesitate to set your boundaries and trust your instincts, first and foremost.

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