Sex confessions of a polyamorous lover

Sex is her absolute passion and when she wants it, she wants it, said twenty-five-year-old Capetonian psychology student Margaux Lim. She identifies as polyamorous and pansexual, because loving many people, and having sex with men or women, runs in her DNA.

There is an undeniable charm in someone who confidently embraces their identity and lifestyle. Lim said her journey now is lined with authenticity and openness, discovering the labels that best describe her along the way. “I am open about who I am to everyone, because that way, everyone knows what to expect from me,” she said.

And as the notches on her bedpost continues to grow northward, Lim said she is having the time of her life. “There is nothing wrong with loving sex, wanting sex, and having it with people you connect with, as often as possible,” she said.

‘Polyamory is the way for me’

Lim started off sexually, like most people do, confined to convention. “It took a long time and multiple monogamous relationships to realise that polyamory was the way for me,” she said and described feeling trapped in traditional relationships.

She often found herself in situations where casual encounters turned into full-fledged relationships, taxed by commitment and undue emotional stress, against her wishes. “I kept feeling stuck with the same person again and again,” she shared.

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It was relationship Groundhog Day for her. She knew she wanted something different, but could not put her finger on it at the time.

The turning point came when Lim travelled to the Philippines. “I went overseas and spent some time focusing on myself. Just before then, I broke off an engagement and decided enough was enough.

“While overseas, I met someone and told them, ‘I like you, but this is how I am. I don’t want relationships.’ That’s when I admitted to myself as much as to others that sex was my first love, and discovered the term polyamorous,” she shared.

Lim explained the distinction between polyamory and sexuality, noting that they are separate aspects of her identity.

“Polyamory is about how you do relationships, while sexuality is who you are. I am polyamorous and pansexual,” she said.

Lim’s journey to understanding her sexuality involved many stages. “My mom thought I was in love with my best friend, who was a girl, but I wasn’t. I was initially attracted to both men and women. Eventually, I understood that pansexuality, which focuses on personality rather than gender, best described me.”

Attracted to men and women

Embracing these labels brought Lim a sense of belonging and understanding. “It gives you a sense of knowing and understanding. It makes your place in the world feel less isolated,” Lim said.

She found comfort and community in these identities, “Pan, poly, and proud,” she said.

Navigating emotional connections came naturally to Lim. “I’m very authentic in who I am and how I love, which makes it easy to connect with people,” she said.

Lim believes that presenting her true self helps others open up and connect on a deeper level. “People connect much easier when what you’re presenting to them is your authentic self. It kind of draws them out of their own shell.”

“People always pass judgment, but it’s a fact of life. I understand it because many people have grown up believing in monogamy,” she said.

Polyamory is not nymphomania

Despite the growing awareness and acceptance of polyamory, Lim believes many people might be polyamorous without realising it.

“A lot of serial cheaters are probably polyamorous. People don’t often go on the journey of self-discovery to understand this about themselves,” she said.

However, she was adamant that polyamory should not be confused with nymphomania. “Nymphomania is different. It’s a diagnosis that historically was only applied to women who are sexually insatiable. Polyamory is about multiple consensual relationships, not an insatiable desire for sex,” she said.

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Her family’s reaction to her lifestyle has been mixed. “My dad is pretty embarrassed, hiding behind his own serial cheating. My mom is more understanding, though she still struggles to fully grasp it,” Lim said.

Living with her mom has allowed her to witness firsthand how Lim manages her relationships, quite openly, bringing a variety of people into her life.

“She sees me bringing people home on various different occasions. Then sees me leaving the house and meeting new people. Though she tolerates it, acceptance is still a work in progress,” she added.

For the love of sex parties

Lim said that societal norms play a significant role in shaping people’s perceptions of relationships and sexuality.

“If the majority follows a certain belief, it becomes the norm. But with more knowledge and awareness, we can move towards a more open and liberated state of being.”

For Lim it’s about pleasure, and she has never been averse to adventures beyond two in a bed, either.

“I like it all. If I had to pick a favourite, it would be sex parties, though I haven’t been to one in South Africa yet. I’m waiting for some overseas trips where I can explore that side of my lifestyle again,” she said.

Lim mentioned that she tries to keep her experiences within a certain bubble to avoid desensitisation.

“I don’t want to become desensitised about sex and lose interest. I took the advice of fellow polyamorous people and try to balance my experiences.

“The only regret I have is that I didn’t figure it out sooner. I’m not accepted by a lot of people, and there is a lot of slut-shaming involved with my lifestyle, but it doesn’t bother me,” she said said.

When it comes to physical relationships, Lim shared that experience and connection are key.

“I’ve had great sex with women and terrible sex with men. The best sex I’ve ever had was with a man who just knew what he was doing without me having to say anything,” she said.

Lim believes that sexual satisfaction depends on the individual’s experience and connection with their partner.

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