Being a dad: ‘There is a poo on my shoe’

Being a dad is one of the most rewarding, challenging and mixed-up kind of emotional roller coaster ride that leaves you both exhausted and invigorated at the end of each day.

There is nothing quite like it and, sometimes, when you wish for a hamster instead,because cage cleaning is the only poo you ever must ditch, the “daddy” or “mommy”, “I love you”, makes changing eeeuw nappies, potty training and the occasional pee-soaked bed worthwhile.

Parenting creates a total mind-shift in a dad. I have never in my wildest dreams imagined that after two boys and three years into toddlerhood, a thought would cross my mind that one could measure a baby’s life stages by looking at poo. And yes, that is exactly what I mean.

A newborn’s poo is gooey yellowish muck and if mom is breastfeeding, this relatively odourless nappy deposit lasts until solids come into the picture. This is when the poo transformation happens and, well, you could never have enough clothes pegs or air freshener to disguise the trauma of a bum change, ever again.

And a kid’s poo is not cheap. Nappies are sized in numbers and price tags in hundreds of rands.

On average a box of 120 Pampers size 3 diapers will set you back R280. Add to this 56 wipes, each pack around R30. So, counting pennies and considering it is an average of four wipes used per bum change, every baby poo costs you about R4. Younger kids can poo up to five times a day, so that is about R620 a month just in recycled food.

Add to this the exorbitant cost of a little jar or squeezy of kids’ mushy food of no less than R10-15 a portion, the cost of what goes in and comes out behind can rocket to as much as R2,000 a month, depending on junior’s appetite. Let us not even talk about baby formula, that’s bankruptcy speak.

Moving on to a potty is a financial blessing. Poo becomes cheaper. But caveat the cute little toilets and R1,000 plus investments in made-for-parents’ fancy and shiny waste receptacles. Believe me, your kid knows not the difference of a price tag or design. Go for a traditional looking chamber pot and, in addition, a little step and toilet seat fitment that ensures seat balance and not seat immersion when it comes to toilet training.

Potty training can be complex and as first-time parents we bought read-along books to share tips with our son, visually step by step show him how to do it and then hauled out the potty and tried to communicate a real-life interpretation of the instructional story.

Nothing worked.

We realised you cannot force a child into ditching nappies and moving to crouch, push and engage if they are not ready themselves.

Our son chose his moment himself and successfully started using his personal commode on his own terms. It was a great moment and in celebration we went out for dinner, spending a month’s nappy and wipe savings on a lekker steak and a beer, and went home with change.

Potty stage instantly wipes away the R600-plus nappy expense off your radar and bum wipes only cost around R5 now, depending on the severity of the number 2.

But moving from nappy to potty to loo has its challenges, too. “Dad, I gotta pee” or “Dad, I gotta poo and pee” become household mantras for instant action. In the beginning, junior does not always make it to the can and tiles and carpets unfortunately do not grow when watered.

Once and thankfully only once, an early morning before-coffee surprise lay in wait, right beside the potty, half on a lonely shoe. It was not inside, nor on top. Other times, floaters popped up between the bubbles in the bath and fishing out one of these ain’t easy, nor pleasant. This is where I was confronted with the scientific fact that water also makes toiler paper soggy. Say no more.

But I would do it again and again, and over again. I will change a thousand nappies, scrub a hundred gazillion potties and forfeit as many luxuries as it takes. That is what unconditional love is and that, ultimately, is both the lesson and joy of parenthood. No matter the crap in between.